Exactly what you were looking for...

But, now that I said it, keep in mind, I will know that you read it, making rebuttal pointless. Many of these thoughts had been thought years ago in hopes of resolution. But, This is another proof that if you want something you must get it, no one has your interest in mind as well like I thought foolishly happened in marriage.

It isn't being skinnier that I want, it is the idea that people have the notion of someone who is in shape would not look like me.

When I was skinny, I was unhappy with myself and was only happy looking back. At the time, I considered myself wrong. I was not sure what, but I was not desirable. I thought that would change with having a family. If my husband adored me and I felt like I was of worth to him, I could forget about being ugly, but he has never even told me that he thought I was pretty. Infact, at times when I felt my worst, I found pornographic images and chats with "hot" girls online. Sure, I expect him to be human, and I forgave it, but it still feels terrible that all I wanted was to be acceptable and not in competition with anyone to look a certain way. It was, I will call that feeling when you wish you were dead, depression. I dealt with and moved beyond it. I had other issues to deal with that were far more soul crushing. My children were growing up with out me!!! And, I had permant issues from my brain infection that rendered me unable to do my favorite things. I figured it was intentional, like a chicken struggling so hard to break out of it's shell (referring to a newly hatched chick) nope. Unless, I gave up too soon and it is humanly possible to heal, Dr. Strange did... oh yeah, that's a movie, but it helped me see realize maybe what I was enduring was helpful damnation so that I might realize other neglected talents. So, I focus on developing them and only occassionally fret about my dwindling appearance - oh hey, just had a great idea about that!!! Ok, I'll tuck it away for later. Running, and piano maybe deserve another shot. Improvement is nearly impossible, not impossible. Where success was quick it is beyond slow, but not non existant. 

Too often, I give up cause my plan did not work instead of revising, but hey, isn't that what repentance is for? Sometimes, we have to choose between two goods where which is better is almost impossible to decide without deciding and experiencing the consequences. Sometimes a choice must be forgiven, look at Adam and Eve...

We believe that Man will be punished for his own sins, but that punishment can be mitigated through a Savior.

(Note: I found this on my phone, written, who knows when so, I published it on this date, but it was not written on this date)

Ups and downs

So, sometimes, I feel like I am headed upward or am at an apex, then I feel like I am plumetting or at an all-time low. This is normal, or usual, but I do not want to feel like I am justifying any behaviors because they simply are. I feel negative because I am failing to do as I feel like I should...another positive is sure to come where I realize that I was not doing as poorly as I imagined, yet, I could not ever feel depressed or discouraged if I did not have room for improvement.

This wishy washy tendency is cyclical, I have noticed, and duration of low is up to me just as expectations were, too.

I nudged my son today when the primary president told the kids how important it is to have quiet times to ponder things. THIS IS A WOMAN CALLED BY GOD TO INSTRUCT US and she sees that as important, and I agree. My kids chose a "quiet place" today, telling me it is important, uh, like I did not already have a quiet place. I explained that was why I het so angry when they interrupt my bathroom time cause the bathroom is my quiet place. The other is the temple. With the temples so close, I can go weekly to erase the world from my thoughts and refocus on what truly matters to me.
It is sad, but I question the things I think matter to me even though they are completely the conviction of my heart right now. I tell myself, "See if you still feel that way after some time spent in the temple." Today, an awesome thing was taught about service when we feel "down". We will never regret serving others! It will raise us to a high as well, so when we feel in the dumps start looking for a way to serve. I think that is another benefit to regular temple attendance, not only is it a quiet place, but it gives a rare opportunity for us to serve others in a dedperately needed way to genuinely become a hero in doing for others that which they could not do for themselves. In fact, just tonight, the prophet was reminding the youth of a duty to gather all Israel, and instantly, I thought of how I could help by searching out and performing ordinances in the temple,  not everyone can do it, but as I have the opportunity, I ought not waste it.

We tend to think of things in terms of consequences, and as such I know that there is a blessing directly ascribed to temple service, and I hope such blessings extend to those living. I really do not know what relationship I have, but I feel a serious obligation to love certain people. Is this natural and to be overcome or part or the covenant/promise keeping me? Still, I always think regardless what I may accomplish if I fail in this one regard, then my eternal being is at stake, though my obligation is not clear and likely not as one might assume... I am getting cryptic, like I always do when I try to speak of things without saying what they are.  I ought to close this entry and continue my thoughts in quiet reverie, I just tend to think better when I am typing it out and trying to communicate the feelings into words, whoch if they were for myself alone, I wouldn't bother doing. But, I have been asked to record things like this for some reason... so, I try.

Just realized it

So, as I was listening to the song I think it was called Ain't Nobody. Which is sorta kinda funny as I type it I realize when typed it means something different than it seemed so entirely when I heard it, cause of the double negative. Anyhow, just as I figured out that God was the one who loved me so much. I felt proud might be the word, to have had so many experiences where intervention was obvious. I cannot believe that it never occurred to me how loved I had been all along. I am really really loved, now I want to listen to that Josh Groban song You Are Loved. As I was so happy to finally figure ot out although I had even been directly and bluntly told that it was significant to realize how much God loves me, I realize that he loves everyone that much, it is no distinction. It is a fact.

It's like this. I would do practically anything for Lena cause I love her so much, but that doesn't mean I would do anything less for another child as well. Until I was a parent I frowned upon calling parental love love. It was not a choice really. It just happens and has no bounds. I never doubted that my parents loved me and I also knew they loved each of my siblings as much so being loved by a parent did not make me feel special. I knew I was a child of God and thereby loved. Now, as a parent I know there is more to it and it is not just a given thing. I seriously and completly love each child and even come to tears thinking about it or when I make promises to always watch out for them, not even being sure I can do so after death, but assure them that if there is anyway, they can be sure that I will find it for them! It is a true and powerful love that doesn't NEED to exist. So, God feels about me and He actually knows me and the desires of my being and he loves me for who I am. It really is loving parts of himself in me, which I bet being able to love yourself is one of the hardest things to do and a very important reason to have children.

Yesterday, I was a bit upset at Joseph for constantly referring to Nick's mother as such and not his grandmother. I told him, after Nick explained why she did not want us to visit her grave (which we did anyhow, sorry), that as well as her spirit part of her body still lived on. Then his interest was piqued. I spared him a lecture on mitochondria and simply asked him to consider where his body came from. And that it was part dad and part me and dad was part his mom, so that meant he was partially her, too.

So, rather than blabber on and on... I need to bake cookies, etc.

https://youtu.be/EGLSk3AVcUU

Ignorance

It occurrs to me often that I can choose to be ignorant and extremely happy or I can continue to try to understand things and go through confusion, and you know, confusion seems a lot more noble to me now. Sort of like a emblem of my progression. I think it was what my 9th grade algebra teacher meant when he told us that he was much more ignorant than us, and it was his sincere wish that we all would as ignorant one day if not more so. At the time, I thought he was on to something,  and that was merely a comment on how teens think they know it all and it is hard to give to aomeone who doesn't need anything.

At least not to the point where...

I read a thing that made me think of a Matchbox 20 song, I am reviewing it in my head right now to get to the title
Ok, appropriately, the title fits my thoughts: Back 2 Good

I do not know if the image is already posted, or will need some editing a.k.a "post post rigging" (the image did post following my ranting post which seems backwards, but oh well...)

The thing that always got to me about that song was that it expressed an inner (secret) wish as a solution to the problem and it would be acted upon if no one else was aware of it, then as the lyrics state, it is alright if others know, as long as we feel like we are getting away with it. That is what I am thinking about. How many rules and restrictions SEEM to be interfering with our goal while they actually are improving it, just not to the point where we would think so. Why does it matter that we think things are helping our agenda or not? My answer lies in our definition of sentient being. I think of another song by Alanis Morrissette (sp?) Where she sings that" I am Aware now" so? Or, maybe that dates me, then how about  Katty Perry, "I'm Wide Awake" or Amy Lee's, "wake me up inside, free me from the nothing I've become". It seems we find purpose and value in being aware.

I noted a huge turning point in my "recovery" when I was ill, when I could recall things like why I was there and when, and it matched others. We all needed a common point of reckoning or something to feel valid.

As I read a spiraling, I thought, "dear,me, the center cannot hold. Things will get out of control." It is like a serence bathtub with one tiny impurity that we think will be removed and everytime we try it escapes at the lat minute,  so we devise to make a current and pull the plug to send the impurity down the drain. The trick is to get the garbage into the vortex, from there, the spiral action will suck it in and down. Most of the water will remain and it will be pure, so regardless if the speck is happier or not, it did not belong in the tub.

This is a metaphor of law, and a main reason I dislike it being ruled by money. As if fines punish offenders. It only punishes those with little money. And, like disciplining my children, punishment does not always work. My daughter responds when rewarded for adherence whereas she seems oblivious to punishment, at least unaware of what it is for, so it becomes a personal attack on her instead of a consequence for breaking a law.

My arm is falling asleep.

So, this reading makes me want to comment because I fear that the writer of it is not aware of the true reason for order. Um, surely not. Even in preschool we read a book where it repeated when a child broke rules, "what if everyone did that?"

In large URBAN civilizations, anytime actually, where many wills are united there needs to be a common denominator, or uniting purpose to create serenity or the possibilities that come from surviving together. Sure, surviving is not the goal, thriving is, and can only be achieved through surviving.

I WAS teetering

I knew that I needed to make a choice,  and I have been weighing them back and forth for days, and I stumbled upon one thing that having read it I instantly knew what I wanted though circumstances sway me, a part of me is constant.  Just as sure as I ever was I am way more sure of the other choice now. I think of another thing someone said about making choices that are difficult. It said, in effect, that people wonder why I insist on choosing the more difficult path and I ask them why they insist there is another way.

Stop

Gradually, I am going to streamline so much that I will be forced to do all the things i have been too distracted to notice. I wonder if I will really dispose of my clothing or yarn. I am learning to value lasting things most, but yarn starts out simple and little, but could end up as a precious hierloom. Honestly, I would love to have to wear the same clothes cause I did not have anything else, sounds fun. The other day when he was yelling at me Nick said, "Well, why don't you just take all of your crap and leave?" And it made me realize as I thought about it. I could replace stuff, no problem, but not responsibilities or people. What I really noticed as I tried to think of what I truly value and need was that I do not even have anything really. I am 100 hundred percent literal, too. I moved out here with a suitcase, most of which was Christmas gifts or hand me down anyway. Then, I had not bought anything for myself since I moved her years ago. And Nick has never offered to share anythung either. He makes it perfectly clear that he owns everything and I own nothing. And he is right, I own very little, and what I do own, is was given to me, and I stash away things out of fear that I might need it for something someday. But, having a job makes me realize how much I really could or should have. Anyhow, I am going to use spring break for Spring purge, starting with my things, so as to not be unfair when I streamline the children's things.

I get side-tracked thinking how I had already decided what to do about my situation long ago, and sadly I cannot act because of Money. The very moment I realized that I was a slave to money I decided that I did not want to own things anyway. Only if they meet demands, like I would very much like a car, so that I can get a job and drive the kids to school if it rains. And I do not want to have to worry about how I look, so I want comfortable durable clothing, but not too much of it.

If money was not an option then I would leave right now, no I wouldn't because I do not work for money, but because I volunteered to help Kenzy, so my place is decided until school is out. Then I have been called to teach a group of primary children and that is IMPORTANT to me. I fear that I would be breaking a promise, and I would much rather find a way to salvage my relationship with Nick than repent and admit I was wrong. But, each te I try and decide to just give love a chance, I get an earfull of unpleasant reminders of how unhappy eternal life would be if we managed to accomplish exaltation anyway. I do love my children, though, and I genuinely love Brandall and think I will pray for him like Enos (all day and night) for his brethern. I already know that I do not want to be with him forever. But, now, I see how many wonderful things we truly did have,  and although I found the things I was lacking, now I lack far more things now than I did then. Life must be a failure cause I learn so much from it. Now, it is sort of dialectical how I went from one extreme to it's opposite