Exactly what you were looking for...

But, now that I said it, keep in mind, I will know that you read it, making rebuttal pointless. Many of these thoughts had been thought years ago in hopes of resolution. But, This is another proof that if you want something you must get it, no one has your interest in mind as well like I thought foolishly happened in marriage.

It isn't being skinnier that I want, it is the idea that people have the notion of someone who is in shape would not look like me.

When I was skinny, I was unhappy with myself and was only happy looking back. At the time, I considered myself wrong. I was not sure what, but I was not desirable. I thought that would change with having a family. If my husband adored me and I felt like I was of worth to him, I could forget about being ugly, but he has never even told me that he thought I was pretty. Infact, at times when I felt my worst, I found pornographic images and chats with "hot" girls online. Sure, I expect him to be human, and I forgave it, but it still feels terrible that all I wanted was to be acceptable and not in competition with anyone to look a certain way. It was, I will call that feeling when you wish you were dead, depression. I dealt with and moved beyond it. I had other issues to deal with that were far more soul crushing. My children were growing up with out me!!! And, I had permant issues from my brain infection that rendered me unable to do my favorite things. I figured it was intentional, like a chicken struggling so hard to break out of it's shell (referring to a newly hatched chick) nope. Unless, I gave up too soon and it is humanly possible to heal, Dr. Strange did... oh yeah, that's a movie, but it helped me see realize maybe what I was enduring was helpful damnation so that I might realize other neglected talents. So, I focus on developing them and only occassionally fret about my dwindling appearance - oh hey, just had a great idea about that!!! Ok, I'll tuck it away for later. Running, and piano maybe deserve another shot. Improvement is nearly impossible, not impossible. Where success was quick it is beyond slow, but not non existant. 

Too often, I give up cause my plan did not work instead of revising, but hey, isn't that what repentance is for? Sometimes, we have to choose between two goods where which is better is almost impossible to decide without deciding and experiencing the consequences. Sometimes a choice must be forgiven, look at Adam and Eve...

We believe that Man will be punished for his own sins, but that punishment can be mitigated through a Savior.

(Note: I found this on my phone, written, who knows when so, I published it on this date, but it was not written on this date)