I don't do it right

I see others writing wonderful blog posts that help improve the quality of life for others and I sincerely want to help. I believe the most helpful person helps themself first, and that was,my intent, after I secured my oxygen mask I would help others, sort of thing, but I feel like the little snail climbing up the side of the well. I go up a scoot but then down and I am not sure of the amount of progress if any, it is like watching a baby grow it happens, but we never see it happening.

I have no doubt that the babies,need me more desperately then the older children, but I know that if I am,not a devoted part of their life I will regret it. It is difficult. I know Joe and Mary require me to stay alive, and the other children have a need beyond that.

Urrrgh! I do believe that if there is an answer then God would have it,and he really will give as need arises. I need help. I want to do the best thing, but do not KNOW completely what that is.

(Note:another note written in Feb. 2013 and published now)

My conclusion, today

I don't really even know why I bother summing things up for myself, but I do it, and lest I forget, here is my conclusion today:

My troubles stem from the fact that my husband doesn't know me or try to learn anything.

I struggle, like everyone, to present a calm appearance, like I can do everything, and yet, truth is, I am very disabled on top of getting older. I need to have tasks equal to what I can.do or else I get depressed, and I do not think this is uncommon.

I spend hours on facebook and writing crap here because I am dying to share thing but do not have anyone to tell. I am a radioactive atom, with an unstable outer energy level bound to cling to some element, you never find s Helium molecule by itself. It is just unnatural to exsist like this, so I quickly remarried, which ought to have done the trick, but, if dating was any indication, and were I mentally competent, I would have known it would not solve anything really. But, what do I know?

Well, actually, I'd like to tell you what I know, if anyone would listen.

Elmo's Potty Time

I put this under private because technically, I am not suppose to muse publically like this anymore, but we all remember back to my ABC diet how I can spin things so as to not ever really break a rule, in theory, but there was a section of that film, "Elmo's Potty Time" where listening to your body is taught as the key to success. So, I have thought a lot about what would make my misery a success. While I was pondering that I recalled an interview with Jodie Foster, where she explained that.she didn't have all of the learned technique that cohorts did and occasionally this made her feel insecure, but.everything that she needed to be successful was inside of her. This is a lot like a guy in a class at church when we were discussing how we knew that there had to be a Heavenly Father, he talked about nurture vs. Nature and cited a tiny seed that had all the direction,it needed inside of it to,be a tree, yet it needed a certain environment. The point was that.seeds don't necessarily look,like trees at all, but it will become a tree, God willing, ok that was intended humor.

My dad used to say, "I was as you are and you shall be as I am." Stupidly, I used to hope not. He did not mean that I would look like him. As much as I admire his greatness, it is the same thing/qualities that are somewhere inside me, my environments bring out different traits, but I can become like my parents.

My "body" is looking for some sort of outlet. I tried food, movies, a bubble bath, and more, but writting things here filled some sort of need, like scratching an itch.

I know that I must save some words for my prayers, and I will, but there are things that I will not pray about because I do know that our prayers are heard and our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. But, the things that might make me happy might hurt others a whole lot.

Absolutely top secret

And why would I say anything here if I have lived this long harboring an idea that could change the world without telling my family or closest friends. Exactly.
I want you to be aware that I have them. *hint* they might seep into everything I do or say. Only because I don't protect things that I know will,never be figured out. I could tell you stories based on the fundamental truths and you still would,never guess. But, that is not why I keep my secrets hidden. Everyone does that. It is because I have had to live in a way that made me a freak just to hide even who I am. And others try to spin webs in microcosm, and it merely amuses,me that they think they are soo crafty and yet they cannot comprehend. Like my son watching "Horton Hears a Who" or "Contact". Somethings are just,better for others that they are not comprehended. It is fantastic enough to think that some brilliant mastermind thought of a fun joke to play on humanity.

A friend of mine said that she usually picks up on foreshadowing so plot twists don't leave her as unsettled. My thought was, "Oh really?" and I toyed with the notion of explaining a couple of my secrets, but decided against it, sort of like I was going to type them out here to show myself how ridiculous I was, but I didn't. I already know how rediculous I would sound to a common man.

Everyone has a side like the moon that is never seen by anyone, people assume and extrapolate with what they do know to fill in the blanks.

How many blanks, uh secrets do you have?

I like to be an open book so that no one will seek to uncover anything else. Nothing to see here. I am still under the influence of a tv show I watched last night. It has been thought before when people made observations about fences, are they intended to keep out or keep in? Regardless, they will do both, as do walls around our hearts as I've heard it spoken.

Incase you are wondering the show was The Gates, I only watched the pilot and do not intend to watch more ad it doesn't fascinate me at all. I had to find out though the idea of a gated community has so much potential, like Tera Nova, with one way travel, in our world we like to think that we can always do over, no matter what we do.

Surely, something has to matter...
Adieu.

live out loud

ha ha ha, When I got home from the hospital I found an old letter/card frm Lauren, the jist ws to live out loud and t that time i was obsessed with Rascal Flatts. there is a song "I'm going to love you out loud", but really i\my sentiments ae more like those of Toad the wet sprocket "we wouldn't be that brave, I know." and really I'm a coward, I feel no less, but am not brave enough.

I remember a Christmas when I was a little girl. I ws going to my grandparents house to see all of my family who I knew well and loved, but when we got there I was extremely shy. Infact, that feeling was embedded in my mind for when I try to define shy. It does not make sense, and the feelings are there and not cheapened or lessened because I will not display them, but that day I wanted to go play with my cousins insantly, but I was shy.

I have had a constant struggle in my life between my heart and mind, but true peace can be achieved and I will have it!!! Until then, I will flirt with living out loud and being completely openand honest, but for now I only recognize my lack and inability to do wht I want. But I used to want to fy, lol, no to slur on my trombone when moving my slide in a wrong direction, but I wasn't able to, so I set the goal to do so.

an angry rant

I need to come up with a goal that will make me truly happy. Something with a long
time frame would be great, to give me little attainable milestones.

I just keep thinking about how happy I was married to Brandall contrasted to my
life now, and They repeated today that Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. He
doesn't wnt me to just deal with it. Something has got to change and I know that I
have to be the one to change it.

The other thing that occurred to me is that I was after the wrong thing. I failed
to consider what matter most to me, even though my dad was pointing it cou
constantly that we give up what we need or matters most for what we want right now,
and that is what I did.Nick filled a of my immediate needs, but the things that I
relly wanted were only hoped for, but he never actuallybecame the man I was
counting on. Point is, I was unhappy with Brandall, and am unhappy now, but for
entirely different reasons.

I was not immediately happy with BRandal and foolishly wanted out, but now I have
someone who would do for me what Brandall wouldn't right then, bt maybe it was best
that I not have those things, now I am unable to have chilen, I am not sealed to
someone, urrr! I am going to go reread my Pat. Blessing before I decide anything, I
thnk that Heavenly Father knows that I will turn to it for his advice in such
times.

I have been made constantly aware how people value and recognize direction that
comes from an unexplained or unreasonable source called our heart, and really I
know what my heatrt says, but my mind will not agree yet.
To be true, I jotted this down last night and since then have rethought it alot. Kinda' ironic, but if I listened to my heart I would not post this.

could have easily been a travelogue

I do not have any specific words to put here, but a feeling that I hope to translate into words. I fear it might leave me, just to revisit  me when I am not expecting it, so here is my feeling, oooh that sounds so "special". ha ha ha, really, I am completely serious. you know, I think my version of completely serious includes some humor. anyway, let me "get to it".

I constantly think, at times my thoughys would be blank,wait, does that nean my thoughts should be constantly blank? Dear me, that won't do.

Often, my thoughts return to this notion that love is supposed to be a constant. Once love is admitted, it might as well be a written contract.

Likewise, I told,my older brother that I hated him and then cried and cried and thought only sincere repentance could undo that. I was about 3 years old. I'm suprised I can remember back that far, but I remember.alot from when we lived in Richmond where Dad was a band director. I am verbally escaping my thoughts again, INSTEAD OF CAPTURING THEM. I REALIZRD THAT VERBALIZING AN EMOTION IS NOT A CONTRACT NOW, BUT I, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS CANNOT ALTER WHO I LOVE. SEVERAL QUOTES OF MOVIES, BOOKS,AND SONGS COME TO MIND SUGGESTING THAT I AM NOT THE SILENT MINORITY IN THAT SENTIMENT.

I BET THE REASON I COULD UNDO HATING MY BROTHER WAS THAT I LOVED HIM FIRST.

ALRIGHT THIS CAPS LOCK THING IS NOT GOING TO DISSUADE ME, BUT IT SURE AS HECK FRUSTRATES ME!!!