Couldn't take it

Briefly, I wanted to fall back asleep but found out that this is a new stage in my life where I cannot bear the songs stinging my mind with it's verbal barbs. Mostly, I worried that if I was so influenced consciously, What the heck would happen if I heard such ideas in my dreams?

Dickens

Now, that my mind paused long enough to consider the relationship between Joseph Smith and Walt Disney, I have moved on to speculate about Charles Dickens...and Victor Hugo, no, just Charles Dickens.

At Christmas time, I ought to be pondering the great truths expounded in the bedtime story called, " A Christmas Carol " but, I keep wondering what the significance of reading "Great Expectations" in my college literature class.

Things I pondered is how we compared a convict to Christ and how I made an off hand comment in a predominately Baptist class something I had considered true about the crucifixion. I was asked by the teacher to provide a reference from acceptable scripture to corroborate my statement.

But, the common thing of all my speculations is the marketing at why Mr. Dickens would have been in such a frame of mind to create his great works.

I love the whole premise of Great Expectations, to me, it is very much like having faith. In the novel our hero honestly believed something to be, and such a belief dictates his actions. In scripture, we learn that evidence comes after the trial of our faith. Well, what if that evidence is not what was expected?

Also, I had always considered the curious wording of what is called "The Book of Mormon Promise" ask yourself if the thing is NOT true. I suppose that dares to suggest something might not be true. Never fear though, cause something are true and you will know, or no longer just believe or speculate or have Great Expectations.

That much never changes

I have constant desires though situation changes and sometimes I get more selfish or human, I love my children too much to put my desire for comfort above what they need. In that light, my wishes are plain. Now, how to make them be.

I'll just toss this out there, it is a dangling singular thought: living so far from any family, freezing cold, without a piano or a car and so many other things I need to do the things that would bring me peace of mind is nearly unbearable. It is comparable to throwing away Nick's computer and then wrecking his car. Do not worry, I would never do that.

Checkmate

I really hate to ruin this, I know that you read this, though. I am tired of thinking every move several times ahead, so it must end.

Abraham

I am going to become who I intended. Things needed to be impossible to be, and though it seems unfair, I see the mercy and intended kindness. Both come from and may be seen through eyes of love.

I was looking at a picture, and wondered if you would consider Parsley.

Anxiety

I understand leaving prematurely. I am that way, too. Better to leave while you can than risk not getting the chance at all, but do you have any idea the anxiety it causes me. In the words of Catherine Earnshaw, "You always followed me." And I struggle to catch up and honestly do not know where I get the strength to keep fighting, it almost seems I will overcome insurmountable odds to catch you but, you move ever quickly away. Is it a paradox? Like needing to gain a half way markbefore you overtake something, but there is an ever ammount of half way marks to reach making it impossible to ever really catch you, still I try because, for some reason, I think you are worth it. Talk about faith... Gavin once said that he believed in me. I was laughing because I told him that I was right there, of course I exsist. I understood a bit more while watching "Rise of the Gaurdians" How ideas get power by those who believe in them, like "Anonymous" where it was acknowledged that words are really power. I used to marvel at court scenes in Law and Order how just words could change my opinion or perspective.

It was really more of an "Inception" notion though that once thought, it could never be unthought.

And I got it. My source of never ending energy is love. Through love anything can be done. God is love and for God nothing is impossible.

One side of the conversation

Yes.

I am impressed at the complexity of it all, and wonder if there is so much more that I am not able to comprehend yet, because My awareness,now affords me to understand things that seemed mysterious.

Yes, I noticed that and recognized your hand in things, but that does not imply that I know anything and I certainly do not believe the things I catch.

If I may speak now, I wonder what the value or entertainment value of suspense is. Why are things that are waited for increased in value?

Yes, I realize time is a unique concept to each conciever.

If you must know, it is my memory.

(Much later)
Yep. I am almost always here. You know.

I thought about you and many unrealistic things. Can I ask something now?

Well, as The thoughts were coming, I felt like they clicked too easily and came more quickly than I normally comprehend. So, I wondered of their origin, a lot like that kid who believed that he was another reincarnated or something. I'm just me, but who exactly are you?

Ofcourse, search me everythy thought and feeling. I am an open book, only so many do not have the cipher.

Yes, I have heard of that. It all sounded a bit silly to me, Though. Then again, most things seem funny to me.

I knew you were mighty, but I just am me.

Oh, I definately suspected as much.

But, I could not figure out a reason, and to be reasonable requires a reason.

Phone dump (mostly song ideas)

Clarity -
A song touches what nothing else can say. Situations are backing me into a figurative corner. I have to keep eliminating ideas to support my theory, still I will not deny it, and I do not know why. If this is insanity why are you my clarity. I would give, sacrifice?, everything to have this one thing. Is it worth it? It is like choosing a major in college. Dreams had to be dismissed, but it focused me. Likewise, things I thought were monumental, I am being forced to realize they do not matter so much afterall, but the thing I want would be worth it, but would the chance at what I want be worth it? There are so many things I ought to have considered, but only now am realizing.

Here is how it works. I use a belief as a prop or crutch. I depend wholely on it and if I believe it, I must stay alive. If I believe it I must correct my wrongs. I want to correct my wrongs in my way to achieve peace of mind, but that peace of mind only comes from believing that my crutch is right, so how could I choose between them? If this is insanity, why are you my clarity?

Clarity - how close is it to unity
________________________________
Song idea in roughest form -
When you made your first valentine. I was not the one

When you got sick, but had one final request before you died you wanted someone, but it wasn't me.

You asked me finally to dance, and even wrote a song. My friends all thought this must,be love, but I was not the one you wrote about.

You responded to my online ad, and followed with a request that I really be for real, but I'm not the one.

All along I've been beside you loved you like a friend and all I can do is cry at your wedding because all along I'be been so right a perfect fit it seems. But, I am not the one you choose. I just know that I am the one you truly need.

Who knows, maybe life went differently and maybe it could change, but seeing how things are right now, I terribly glad that I wasn't the one.
___________________________
Love me, already -
Yes, I love you, and it breaks,my heart to even have a simple part of you forever in my heart.

I chose to run away before
But cannot remember why
I only know that it would be suffering
Unless we both could die,
Cause I could not live forever without you.

But, we both made our choices,
Though yours I cannot believe
Could you really live forever with out me?

I know that you are brilliant, and that's the part I love, but when your act is played out, then can we be one.

Said plainly, we are prone to the same way of seeing things, so I know that you can see things as they should be.

Just, love me.
___________________________________

My Prayer -
It is all lost!

It used to be enough to want to feel your loving touch, then I yearn for you to hold and make me feel secure. But, now I want to kiss you. talk about forever, I no longer need to ask if this is love.

So, this is it? This is love, the kind that saves us from ourselves and makes us one no longer two, although we knew. We never actually said it, this is love

Nothing lasts forever, I cannot agree, just look at you and me. Nothing lasts forever unless it's me and you. True love is not as rare as we been taught to think, it is not a coincidence that we are both alive even if no one said that this is love.

For the future me

Ok, I'll go ahead and put this here to point out that you at least suspected as,much way back in 2013.

Life certainly did not follow any plan that you intended, ha ha I am you're magic 8 ball. I know things. No, I do not. You gotta have faith a faith a faith, Baby! *smile* please note the sparkle in that smile from my brilliant teeth. They are as good if not better a reminder than my garments, but not as white, but can and ought to be shared, my smile, that is.

Acne, wrinkles and boobs

I have been noticing that things only matter when they are impossible or scarce. As a skinny teen, I was worried about boobs, but that is, because I was skinny. There are a very few girls who are skinny and have big boobs, but this is not common. I believed it was and that I was the misfit. Though, I never worried about wrinkles, because face it teens do not commonly deal with that problem, they deal with acne, so mid 30 ought to have been the perfect time for me. I was pregnant and managed to breast feed, I had no acne or wrinkles, but thought that because I grew in size that I was no longer pretty. And frankly, I no longer looked like a gangly teen, though I regretted that for some reason.

Just today I realized something that helped me a whole lot and I hope you read and internalize it in time to appreciate your beauty. It has to do with height. It starts and ends with scripture which gives comfort as it is the opinion of God. He said, "look not on his height..." From Samuel in reference to choosing a divine king, and something like not worrying about your height because with all that you worry you cannot change it one bit. So, I figure it is better to focus on what we can change when we can, because there are only little windows of opportunity. For instance, we are given weaknesses that we can know our failures and know where to improve. I do not believe that not having large breasts is a God given weakness, and if it is a weakness it is the world and those who worry about it are wasting their time, and if their priorities are such, though it doesn't mean they will always be so, but they are not valuing what is worth worrying about.

Personal sketch

This is for checks and ballances or accountability.

I will start where is easiest, and most visible.
1)I want long curly hair, I do not have much internal vision so I must find a photo that I want to emulate.
2) I want a nice smile with a reson to use it.
3)I want to be very strong and able. Included here is completing a marathon and singing an original composition.
4)I want to be able to program in at least one computer language, and design a nice website.
5) have 14 outfits and 5 dresses all that I like.
6) have a clean and orderly home.
7) radiate that just visited the temple or did service look.

Haven't I endured enough.

Where is this coming from?

Not intended to be known

Unless you like reading other's minds this message is not intended for you, but it is an idea that is,firmly rooted in my mind.

Why do men esteem women so much? Sure we like it, but I do not see why woman is so valued.

The Game

It seems like everyone is playing, and I play,best of all. I am even thought to be brilliant beyond imagination for the way I play, but the irony is that I am not playing at all. My brilliance is literally not it's own.

Electronic reliability? And potatoes...

I want to believe that if I pour my heart out that it will not be lost, so why not just use a book? Because I have seen in my life time how written records disappeared and even ink degrades, not to mention the,likelihood of such a record even being found much less read is very unprovable when written in a book. My writting is nearly illegible. Having done some work extracting names and dates from census records, I have come to believe that even the internet in all of it's potential for unreliability, it is much more reliable than any other options, also because it is dispersed. It was nice to think about on the tv program Torchwood when any and all reference to a word could be removed and those searching for it could hardly believe it because it would seem so implausible. In this situation actual paper and photograph, none of them digital, ended up being uncovered, through extreme searching.

So, I will pray it and speak of it here in a less obvious place, and I will.speak in metaphors. I get an allowance for food purchase which honestly feels,extravagant, but still I am so hungry. It is like I have an ample supply of sweet potatoes when I crave regular potatoes. One would say, well, heck learn to use what you've got. But, instead I even dream of creamy, cheesy mashed potatoes. The longing seems too silly to even mention and so I ignore it hoping by necessity it will go away. It doesn't. I try to focus on other things that I love hoping to fill my mind with so many great things that there will be no room to dream of potatoes.
But, it is useless. I cannot deny who I am and I want potatoes, not sweet potatoes, though the whole world tells me that sweet potatoes are better for you and they have more uses etc. None of that changes the fact that I need my potatoes and so no one will appreciate it, infact, they will consider it a sin especially when I already have everything they need. But, I do not have what I need.

What *is* wrong with me, indeed? I am a good sensible girl, why can't I just change this little part of who I am if it would make everything alright? Well, it is a lot like the genealogy I was working on yesterday.

I had everything I needed but a few specific dates so, I did an internet search and found an old text book that had been painstakingly typed out and put online. This text had all of the specifics I,needed, even the right names first and last, but the location was different. I wanted so badly to have found them and just be the one who found the missing information, but something said, are you sure about that? So, I called my mother and she verified 100% positively that the original dates were right and those people coincidentally had the same names, but it was not the ones I was seeking. So, though it would make better sense to just cite that book as my source and copy down the sure dates, these are dead people afterall, it is not like their blood will call out for vengeance just because I wrote down incorrect information. That is how I see myself in my situation. It makes more reasonable sense to change my diet to fit what I had it'nit like I have a food allergy or something serious, it is just a craving, like a tiny little voice saying "are you sure about that?" It would be easy to ignore that craving, but it would still be there.

My solution is to go find another life, one where regular potatoes are readily available to me.

It is a good thing, right?

I was trying to think of what I wanted and I could only think of one thing, and it has,been said money can't buy it, no one can buy it.

I used to have a list, but one by one they disappeared, and it is not because I cannot find them, it is my wishes were met. No approval,needed. Of itself, I think it is beyond expression how awesome it is.

But, you have no money, ahh! But, I have prayer and God is most powerful and all knowing and all.doing. worth getting to know!

Dare I say it?

No, I am too tired to say anything, I'll just,dream it and wake up refreshed for having acted upon a notion.

Not afraid, just not stupid

There have been two diferent times sort of the same thing happened and I feel like the pharoah who had a dream that he couldn't shake, but how noble of him to bother looking for answer to a dream. It seems like he could have just said,  they were just dreams, nothing more, but it was his dire need to know what it meant that ended up meaning a very important consequence that would effect all mankind.

Anyway, the first time was more of an idea that came in a visible way. Next, came a dream, full blown with sound and of those I think they are called lucid dreams where you retain a memory of feelings,even when I woke up. It did 2 things 1) made me wonder why we do not just live in dreams, I could not see an advantage instantly of waking up. 2) I wanted so much to go back to that same dream again, I felt like I  ought to have behaved differently, it was a dream afterall.

I cannot return to my dream, but I could try to model life after it. I suppose that is what people call having and chasing your dream. But, when we had a lesson yesterday about Ester I thought about Torchwood, no. Just kidding, I thought about how terrifying it would have been for her to know that she was risking her life in speaking to the king. I bet she rehearsed a billion times what she would say. And then starving for 3 days, have you ever tried it? Talk about being glittery, and exhausted, but that Corr's song says when you're young you don't even need sleep or food anyway. And she was young, but I know that we only fasted 1 day for Aaron Murphy, but it was miraculous. I think it will stay with me, written in the inner parts of,my heart, reminding me what a focused good a group fast and prayer can do. The world is just now catching up and realizing that prayer does unexplained good for the recipient, and the giver.

Someone noted that when we speak things out loud it solidifies in our beings, and that is a reason for testimony meetings.

It has been long since accepted that there are benefits to prayer and positive thinking, though it is unexplained has never been an issue for religion. People are happy and do not know why and do not need to know why. Then, the world pretends to discover things as they joyfully accept what mysteriously was known all along.

So, now on to why I do not chase after my dream, if I do want it to become a reality, no matter how real a dream seems it is a dream and not a place or thought that we can return to the thoughts that created a place so perfect. I have actually prayed for Such a reality, but do not confront because It would be foolish, there is no mortal consequence or anything that prevents me out of fear of death, like Ester, but, a certain sense of bounderies. Also, because I love the idea so fully, I do not desire to ruin any chances I could have, by speaking on a hope.

It is a dream that I am so obsessed with that I am going to have to have more faith than I have to achieve, and it would be like going to a gun fight without a gun. I do not fear for my life, I fear for possible regret. So, I'll conclude with a favorite quote as of yesterday."not shrinking is far more important than surviving"

Soapbox

This or that. This obviously, no, that. Oh, I am sick to death on the temporary peace that comes when I think that I have finally decided, then some foolish,thing seems to weasel it's way into my short lived peace of mind. This goes either way. I just want to make up my mind and stick with it.

It would be so easy, and a comment on a show plays in my head: "I have no right to be anything but happy." Or when I felt the stinging barbs pricking at my peace of mind I thought, oh that is,just Satan trying to keep me,from being happy. He wants others to be miserable,like himself or just keep me from achieving anything that would make me truly happy.

Then, I started thinking well, Isn't it just me who isn't happy with this all and though I can suppress it, I cannot do so indefinitely. I will live forever.

It boils down to basically what I believe, not what actually is. I believe that there is so much good I can do and I will be an instrument for good, though I might have to be strong enough to go against what my friends and family think is Better for me. They are not me.

I believe so many quirky things that have not been documented, but enough of them have been and so I decide they all must be true. I believe the doctrine of Love is the most important and it is key to surviving mortality and paramount beyond mortal life. Mostly, I see that, and it really breaks my heart, my husband doesn't believe the same things as I do, like if something is right, do it, and if you really value it, treated it so. He constantly does things that are little, but remind me that though he speaks well, his heart is not in agreeance. I can relate to that, but I want him to change what is in his heart, whereas I want to change my mind.

We find peace when my heart alligns with his mind, but then my head hates the actions of his heart so much that I feel repulsion and disgust, then turn that disgust back on myself for disturbing the peace which would make everyone happy.

I just wonder if it is correct. When it is a matter of Joseph and Mary (my children not the parents of Jesus) then, hands Down always what is best for them always wins. But, who decides what is best?

Time to act on information

I had been perfectly content to reason out why I ought to do what I want to do, but this morning, things,became more than I can deal with and it was composed in my heart forever and I can say that I know never changing what love is and why it is so necessary.

There simply are things that no matter how well we understand them we cannot act accordingly. The power to act comes from our hearts.

In things I have studied about our Brains, I learned that science was partially right, which causes more confusion than ignorance, it was believed that a person resided in their heart. The heart made up cognitive self and a heart transplant would change the identity of the body.

Now, we think it silly, but at the time, scholars found it most reasonable. The time has come in which I must act upon things that are not reasonable but true. I had to be backed into a figurative corner to do so.

I feel like a gentle animal who has all of the ability to be ferocious, but is as docile as can be until it has no other choice.

I am very sick and just need a bit of rest. I locked the girl's room so that Mary would stay in bed. I made sure everyone was cared for and taken care of. But, at 2:30 Mary showed up making demands, I had barely fallen asleep, which I had to despite Nick's terribly loud and obnoxious shooting game. Now, everyone is awake and screaming demands, and I simply cannot take it. Still, Nick is asleep quietly in his bed. If I did not believe fully in life after death and justice, or in other words, God. I would kill myself.

But, instead I hear the cries and think of how I will be held accountable for my stewardship as a mother. I know undeniably that though it makes little sense I simply must have love. It makes me care for the children when my reflex is to take care of myself. Regardless of what he professes, Nick is not good for anyone in this family. Infact, it is mostly, despite him, and he causes almost every difficulty while relieving none. He would rather just call me selfish than consider anything that would undeniably be needful for everyone else in this family.

I am making a definite plan, that will not be understood, but does not need to be, I am tired of trying my hardest to do things that bring immediate happiness and resolution but fade into this. If I cannot handle these trials without love, I can never expect to weather storms to come.

I don't do it right

I see others writing wonderful blog posts that help improve the quality of life for others and I sincerely want to help. I believe the most helpful person helps themself first, and that was,my intent, after I secured my oxygen mask I would help others, sort of thing, but I feel like the little snail climbing up the side of the well. I go up a scoot but then down and I am not sure of the amount of progress if any, it is like watching a baby grow it happens, but we never see it happening.

I have no doubt that the babies,need me more desperately then the older children, but I know that if I am,not a devoted part of their life I will regret it. It is difficult. I know Joe and Mary require me to stay alive, and the other children have a need beyond that.

Urrrgh! I do believe that if there is an answer then God would have it,and he really will give as need arises. I need help. I want to do the best thing, but do not KNOW completely what that is.

(Note:another note written in Feb. 2013 and published now)

My conclusion, today

I don't really even know why I bother summing things up for myself, but I do it, and lest I forget, here is my conclusion today:

My troubles stem from the fact that my husband doesn't know me or try to learn anything.

I struggle, like everyone, to present a calm appearance, like I can do everything, and yet, truth is, I am very disabled on top of getting older. I need to have tasks equal to what I can.do or else I get depressed, and I do not think this is uncommon.

I spend hours on facebook and writing crap here because I am dying to share thing but do not have anyone to tell. I am a radioactive atom, with an unstable outer energy level bound to cling to some element, you never find s Helium molecule by itself. It is just unnatural to exsist like this, so I quickly remarried, which ought to have done the trick, but, if dating was any indication, and were I mentally competent, I would have known it would not solve anything really. But, what do I know?

Well, actually, I'd like to tell you what I know, if anyone would listen.

Elmo's Potty Time

I put this under private because technically, I am not suppose to muse publically like this anymore, but we all remember back to my ABC diet how I can spin things so as to not ever really break a rule, in theory, but there was a section of that film, "Elmo's Potty Time" where listening to your body is taught as the key to success. So, I have thought a lot about what would make my misery a success. While I was pondering that I recalled an interview with Jodie Foster, where she explained that.she didn't have all of the learned technique that cohorts did and occasionally this made her feel insecure, but.everything that she needed to be successful was inside of her. This is a lot like a guy in a class at church when we were discussing how we knew that there had to be a Heavenly Father, he talked about nurture vs. Nature and cited a tiny seed that had all the direction,it needed inside of it to,be a tree, yet it needed a certain environment. The point was that.seeds don't necessarily look,like trees at all, but it will become a tree, God willing, ok that was intended humor.

My dad used to say, "I was as you are and you shall be as I am." Stupidly, I used to hope not. He did not mean that I would look like him. As much as I admire his greatness, it is the same thing/qualities that are somewhere inside me, my environments bring out different traits, but I can become like my parents.

My "body" is looking for some sort of outlet. I tried food, movies, a bubble bath, and more, but writting things here filled some sort of need, like scratching an itch.

I know that I must save some words for my prayers, and I will, but there are things that I will not pray about because I do know that our prayers are heard and our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. But, the things that might make me happy might hurt others a whole lot.

Absolutely top secret

And why would I say anything here if I have lived this long harboring an idea that could change the world without telling my family or closest friends. Exactly.
I want you to be aware that I have them. *hint* they might seep into everything I do or say. Only because I don't protect things that I know will,never be figured out. I could tell you stories based on the fundamental truths and you still would,never guess. But, that is not why I keep my secrets hidden. Everyone does that. It is because I have had to live in a way that made me a freak just to hide even who I am. And others try to spin webs in microcosm, and it merely amuses,me that they think they are soo crafty and yet they cannot comprehend. Like my son watching "Horton Hears a Who" or "Contact". Somethings are just,better for others that they are not comprehended. It is fantastic enough to think that some brilliant mastermind thought of a fun joke to play on humanity.

A friend of mine said that she usually picks up on foreshadowing so plot twists don't leave her as unsettled. My thought was, "Oh really?" and I toyed with the notion of explaining a couple of my secrets, but decided against it, sort of like I was going to type them out here to show myself how ridiculous I was, but I didn't. I already know how rediculous I would sound to a common man.

Everyone has a side like the moon that is never seen by anyone, people assume and extrapolate with what they do know to fill in the blanks.

How many blanks, uh secrets do you have?

I like to be an open book so that no one will seek to uncover anything else. Nothing to see here. I am still under the influence of a tv show I watched last night. It has been thought before when people made observations about fences, are they intended to keep out or keep in? Regardless, they will do both, as do walls around our hearts as I've heard it spoken.

Incase you are wondering the show was The Gates, I only watched the pilot and do not intend to watch more ad it doesn't fascinate me at all. I had to find out though the idea of a gated community has so much potential, like Tera Nova, with one way travel, in our world we like to think that we can always do over, no matter what we do.

Surely, something has to matter...
Adieu.