Times like this remembered

I do not have any words on my mind, yet I am restless and feel a need to communicate, only nothing in particular. I just feel like if I write something, maybe the thing that needs to be thought will present itself.

I feel like I have to make the choice that I thought I had already made before, but, if I had, I would not be here at this precipice so often. If I had leaped, jumping would no longer be a choice, but it is.

I decided, that love was merely a stumbling block and so I decided to live without it, that was my choice, but I sort of question that and think, it is not too late yet!

I have a very foreign idea one that seems to not fit in this life, but it cannot be forgotten, so it must be recognized and dealt with. I think that all my life little things have happened giving little glimpses that together on a movie of my life would have worked as foreshadow quite nicely that I have been given all of the blessings available on earth, like being a wife and mother but, consistantly, I was intended to give proof of certain traits and how even if not used or hidden would still prove valuable and not to be rooted out. But, I keep failing, and given another chance.

I feel like my experience or life has not been typical and definately not one to be used as an example. I think maybe I could never have lived a normal life anyway because, a huge part of life is building relationships and family, which although I have, I did not do it the right way. My family is built upon will power and reason. It is strong but not the way it was intended, now here is where my wierd notion comes to play.

I have a notion that I am already married and sealed and that I am "blessed" to experience having children in mortality, but, when I die to this life I will only be returning to one so loving I dod not need to have a mortal lifetime to develop it. I know this idea is woerd and think where on earth would I even get an idea like that? My answer is simply, my wild imagination generated it with variables supplied from various sources. It is like algebra, with a lifetime trying to solve for X, everytime I get another clue or potential fact I think it will be enough as long as everything else I supplied fits.

Nope. Still not even sleepy. What gives? Maybe, I need to do something crazy, but I already cut my hair off... hmmm

Maybe, try once again to love my husband, but, face it. I just don't and he needs love, I really ought to jyst back off and let him fall in love. I keep saying I will, but I want Mary to be baptized first. Then I will feel better about filling my obligation to God regarding her. At least being certain that she could potentially be redeemed and return to God.

Yes, I believe that fully. And what is more significant is that I believe that I will be resurrected, and live forever which makes being in love and sealed to someone so important and likely why I fabricate such a tale because I know that is necessary, and I further know that unless there is drastic change I cannot be sealed to my current husband. I do not want to be with him even for more than a few hours let alone forever.

It is so wierd.  I should be sleepy. Usually, I am. I tend to fall asleep typing things, then, I wake up to a nearly dead phone battery.

So. What do I do? The way that definately works, giving me access to a life more compatible with everything I have been taught and know or do I give up everything that could be good with merely great expectations or hope of the one thing my life is missing.

I know it was a comedy, and not intended to be a model for how to make choices, but I recently watched an episode of "The Orville" where a young security officer was left in command of a vessel and she was unsure what to do. A hogher ranking official gave her direct orders of what to do, but she wanted to risk loosing everything at the chance she might be able to save her commanding officers. Although, she got lucky in fonding them, it seemed pretty unlikely that they would be retrieved, still she hoped and managed to retrieve them!

Oh, here it is. My thought. I just found it. I can actually accomplish anything that I decide to accomplish. I have it on good authority that I most definately can, and so I need to simply decide what outcome I desire and them make it happen. My concern ought to be what consequences will necessarily follow as a result, like the debt that comes from using credit to buy things. Sure you have the means, but you really need to consider what the cost will be in the long run. It is the same for me.

I have been introduced to the notion that what you create is what returns to you, like karma. Only, a tad different. S great move that explains it is "The Letter Writer".I have been very cautious about what I pray for because I do not want to ruin lives, but if everyone has their own freedom to choose. I cannot hurt anyone unless they let me anyway.

I do have a wish that is secret I sang about it, "Only God Knows". Ok. Falling asleep, now.

This is very strange

I hear so much about following your heart, but I can actually explain reasonably what that means or "feels" like right now.

There are things that I love and the same things just "feel" wrong when someone else loves them, too. It seems extremely wrong, like that Vertical Horizon song about "Everything You Want" "He says exactly the right thing, at exactly the right time and he means nothings to you and you don't know why." Another lyric that bewildered me is from a familiar song sung by Jewel it says, "I saw a movie it just wasn't the same. It was happy or I was sad...made me miss you oh so bad..."

Really, reasonably, they are the,very things I love and my mind tells me that the pieces fit, and I ought to just decide to feel happy and take things as they are and make everyone happy, AHEM! I would not be happy, but If I am in charge, then it is just a,matter of making myself happy with what is like other lyrics, " first, you take the things you love and then love the things you took."

But, a good friend simply warned me at exactly the moment needed that Perhaps uneasiness is a warning and I should listen to things even when I do not understand them. And this is such a recurring feeling...Something is not acceptable. But, that is just a feeling, my thoughts are that I am in charge and I can decide to just deal with that one single objection... but, now I fear it will ruin everuthing else I love, (without thought).

Next, Jane Eyre comes to mind. Whem Jane decides to run away from Rochester, and I got so angry that woth everything so perfect, just deal with it, and do not throw it away. He professes his love and is ot nit what she wants? Reminds me of "Anne of Avonlea" when she doesn't just marry the Harris dude I get so upset. Anyhow, Jane says that it is because it is soo close to being real love that she must run away because something is not right and she doesn't want to see it twist and deform over time into something disgusting... another lyric "we started something so fine and rare now we're stuck in neutral we're going nowhere..."

I think the largest leaps or the largest risks lead to the greatest rewards, although that does not mean all leaps and risks gain any reward, but in order to deserve any reward a risk must be taken. I imagine an image of a loved one dangling over a cliff only holding on to your grip, and you can choose to hang on and maybe save the life, maybe loose yours, or you can feel their's loosening and let it... but, it is merely nature or reflexive to want to save at all cost!

Mahanah impressions

I had Moana on the brain since I woke up this morning, so getting some nice take aways from researching Polynesian culture and names, etc. I naturally found myself watching "Johnny Lingo".  And realized how much it has effected my lack of worth to have never been even given an engagement ring. I understand the father being bypassed as fathers are no longer owners of their daughters, etc. But, I have never felt even slightly important to my husband, and certainly no one he wouldwant to be with forever, like I grew up believing I would be valued by someone so much.

After I was sealed to my first husband, I was never given a ring, so I purposefully asked him how he felt about being with me forever. He said that was what he wanted, but then divorced me. I listened a lot to a song "The Way" by Daniel Bedingfield and appreciated how he explains that feelings or intrapersonal relationships change like everything in nature, but, really I ended up knowing my worth through my Spiritual memory and reminders that I was loved and cherished and would be again,  so what if He was not the one to provide my eternal worth acknoeledgement, it will happen, cue my husband who I basically commanded him to marry me because he seemed to lack any motivation to do so, but I figured it was his intent, subsequently I have, through experience, realized the pain and heartache that can result in trying to assume intentions.

He still, years later, has never done anything to even hint at him esteeming me or appreciating anything I am or do. But, I have found considerable worth in considering who I am despite how I am treated.

Remember how you feel...to feel so later

How he waits until I am asleep.

He acts as if I do not notice because I do nothing in return, but is content to ignore my NEED:

Time I ask for a ride, he ignores me, and my home teacher shows up and offers me a ride.

I wish I made more money so that I could get a car and an apartment. It is sad that I do not..

I meed himm and now I do not even want him. I want to do the best and set the best example regardless so the children know what they ought to do. Nick is good at saying what to do but does not do practically anything he says. Mistakeningly, I thought not taking the sacrament was an indication of humility and integrity...

As I now make money, it makes me aware of things I only assumed because I was treated like the catholic church treated members by keeping them in just enough ignorance to foster trust in false promises. I believed that we were actually too poor to afford almost everything.

He took the kids and I to a food pantry cause he cannot afford food, then played online until I got the kids in bed, and picked out their clothes, etc. Then he left to go watch a movie, and announced where he was going, but never asked if I would like to go anywhere, one would assume it is because knowing would not make a difference anyway.

(Note:another note written a very long time ago and published now)

Absolutely nothing you think matters as much

It does not matter how fine a thought or strong a feeling may run, God wants you to love one another, even your enemy. He can actually help you feel that love if you sincerely seek to do so, which you should. Not wanting to obey is more usual than not it is a perfect set up to proving your descipleship. If you love him, keep his comnandments, he has commanded above all else love one another and if we need forgiveness, then look for opportunities to give it.

I remember an event that took so much faith! A total stranger asked to take my son to school. I prayed so hard and worried, and looked things up, but finally decided to just trust, she had said that she worked at the school. I felt good about that at least. Then she wrote to me explaining why she felt impressed to help. It was because she had been praying that morning to find ways to serve others and it was snowing and she saw me walking the kids to school everyday. I was so much more at peace knowing that. Then it was God simply seeing a need and meeting it, nit some crazy lady driving my son off somewhere. She did have two sons with her, and subsequently, I have seen her at other events at church and school, and my son is very very fond of her. The reason I tell that story is as an example of how someone wanted to do a thing and so prayed about it and then listened and obeyed promptings. Fear is the opposit of faith. I would like to report how I was inspired to know and trust this woman right off, but I didn't. That is how I feel right now. I am mad and want to be an enemy, but I need to obey what I am told and I have clearly been told to just love 'em anyway.

It was a strange path

I was thinking about how much I have changed from the girl I was and have come to appreciate all I achieved and so I feel more accutely, almost anew, the horror of everything I lost. I need to remind myself that all sacrifice is exactly that. Only the sacrifice was not as large in my mind as it truly was, and I am currently really really sad for it. Though, if one continues to follow my progress it may come quickly, or maybe in hindsight you, as a reader already know the plot twist and the envitable end, so maybe you can feel a,bit like God in knowing what I do not, I only hope and right now I suffer because the end is a mystery to me. I only see what I lost. I recently saw a show and in it a carachter said this, "I came to know that my past was not going to determine my future."

On my mind...

As I was watching The Ten Commandments cartoon, I was,aware of how long it took God to answer the prayers of the Hebrew slaves, because he had to get things done in order. Moses needed to be born and preserved. I think of how I have known of people who prayed for things and then, because it was not immediately answered it was mistaken for not being answered at all. Hence, there is no God. I believe I am here as the answer to one's prayer. That prayer was thought to have been forgotten and long assumed it would not be answered because it was not yet answered in a way that had been expected.

It reminds me of times I thought I wanted a job but was not given it. And it was just to prepare me for a more ideal one. Though I wanted that job. The fact that I was not given it kept me free and able to accept the right one when it came along.

The other thing heavily on my mind is how many variables I had written off as coincidence or not relating to each other. Like how awesome it is to be alive now and under these crcumstances, or being descended from people who also lived in Palmyra, NY where the book of Mormon was deposited. I think it must all be evidence that when applied to eachother lead to something important. Though, I suspect something, as of yet, I do not actually know what I suspect.