the ultimate

Much has lead me to this point it is not at all a sudden conclusion, the accountability for such thought is my own. I am responsible for the idea. My conclusion is that I have made such a terrible mistake that I fear even admitting it. But my more firm conclusion in these last days of this era of life is that, I was right in my assumption that our actual physical appearance is of little consequence. It really is.

If I loved someone, their physcal or changing beauty would matter very little to me. But, something matters very much! That something is often replaced with attraction which makes us feel happy as long as it lasts, but it does not last and I thought that I would find real love in ignoring physical attraction, but my mistake was in assuming there would be something else. That something else  is what we are all always looking for. So often it comes later when we resolve to love, come what may, Then we discover a greater love, but I discovered nothing. It was a huge void. Normally the advice would be to go back to what first attracted you, and that would be a good place to start over. I have only ever found those attractive that would never even consider me because I was not atractive enough and now, it is too late, I'm old and to the point where the physical part is fading, so how do you get to know more?

 Hindsight tells me that I was actually beautiful, though I never thougt so. I was always waiting to some future event, "to play out like a scene straight from the silver screen." I thought you found true love in the nature of a person online, because you weren't biased or blinded by hormones or anything, but I was wrong. I think if I had been truly right, it would not be hard to convince me, and If my husband was such a wonderful guy then what would he be doing with a messed up girl like me? I was divorced and disabled and looking for escape. Who in their right mind would have anything to do with that?

I only wanted to say one thing. I do not look the way I want to, but I am a person who is attractive to someone, who will feel as strongly about my welfare as I do his. It is scary because I do not know that such a person exsists. It's like that leap of faith scene in "The Temple of Doom". Indy cheats and tosses out pebbles instead of just stepping out blindly. I used to get so upset that I did not look like the girls in the games and pornography that interests my husband, but now I just don't care. It really doesn't matter. It is not my looks that will make me so incredibly attractive anyway. I do not only believe this a little bit. I KNOW I am so much more than my physical appearance. Though I never bought that "sweet spirit" crap either. It is no better than our appearance, something we have control over to change. There is an unchanging me, I believe it is what thew world refers to as the "heart" as in "listen to your heart" etc.

explination

Let me explain why I write so much. It is to fill my need to speak out, which is not being met anywhere else in my life. I disapprove of this. It is something teenagers do when they go through that "I am a lone island" thing, they hope, like ocean fishing, that if they put out the bait they hope they will find comonality somewhere. I read a preface to a C.S.Lewis book, but it didn't fully sink in until now. No matter what you say someone will say that they think the exact same thing.

I believed everything I read, again. Stupid, I'm so stoooopid! just let me play the wheel o fish! I did most of the talking and because I recieved affirmative response I thought others thought the same thing and understood what I was saying.

What more can I say? Please, don't shed a tear for that poor little grape that will never see his home or family again. He *wants* to be squeezed to death and be fermented and then drank by someone as an accessory to your dinner.

New Era?

I think this is the beginning of a new era. Ok, that was cheesy, and the name of a magazine, but I swear that was a coincidence. I was just trying to think of the word to apply for the way I feel about this. I don't care about getting to a particular point or even where I am going. I just feel like the moment itself will be of such perfection that I would use the moment to define all time before or hereafter.

In church a lady told about her struggles and how she and her family were without a home, but she had the faith to believe that if Heavenly father wanted her here (in Layton, in this case) then he would take care of arranging a home. She didn't need the details. And those are the kind of people that I associate with. cool, huh?

I no longer worry about if I am pretty enough or smart enough or all around good enough. I'll just asume that I'm not, but regardless I will be loved for being who I am, and that will not make me complaceant, like it seems. It will drive me on to want to be all that I can be... la la la in the army. No, but I bet that's what you were thinking, too.

The song I want to write is about sex, but not the stuff others try to sell. I think alot of that stuff is really just reguritated smut. I mean, yeah I even previously learned that the act of having sexual intercourse is meaningless and practically pointless, like taking recreational drugs. So we have children to give our actions purpose, I want to write about the thing Seely Booth was referring to in the TV program "Bones". I am facinated by two people trying to occupy the same space kinda thing. Lacy liked a song biological and I figured it would be the case because she represents the science side of everything, My own upbringing is a religious one, but I think there is a place where they both meet and agree perfectly.

I have been such a place as I fought so ferverently inside. My battle was waged between my heart (how I felt or religion) and it's beliefs and my mind (how I thought or science) and it's beliefs. Finally, I have peace so I know there must be a way for the two to find a common ground. A reasonable religion or a moral science, maybe?

impossible

supposedly nothing is impossible, but how could there be anything equal let alone better than what I had. I settled for different, but I'm miserable.

Ok, that's it!

I think I am going to do it, first I wanted to get my teeth fixed, but, oh well. I simply cannot bear life here anymore, but I must think of the kids, still if Brandall doesn't bring them, I suppose Joseph and Mary will be alright, better than alright, here.

Where I go and what I do doesn't really matter so much to me.

(Note:another note written in 2011 and published now)

problem solver

My problem is that I try to solve every tiny little consequence, when I do ot need to make but one choice, really, then, come what may. It's how I got this far. Besides,what fun would a problem solver have with no problems to solve?

Note: create a fiction world with a lot of problems where people use various methods to successfuly mcguyver thier way out of trouble.

October 2011

I started having the Arena dreams again. It is disturbing.