A comment

As I had my phone in hand I will record my nightly thoughts regarding my time spent reading the Bookof Mormon tonight.

31 But behold, the Nephites were not slow to remember the Lord their God in this their time of affliction. They could not be taken in their snares; yea, they would not partake of their wine, save they had first given to some of the Lamanite prisoners.
32 And they were thus cautious that no poison should be administered among them; for if their wine would poison a Lamanite it would also poison a Nephite

I was really not expecting that. I felt all along like the armies of Moroni or other called the armies of the Nephitepeople were in my mind righteous peoplewinning their wars from the aid of God. Iget that notion As well from the old testament where one can determine which side of a battle God was on by learning who won. If thestory of David and Goliath taught anything it is that regardless what seems the outcome will always be God.

So, while I was thinking of these men as being Godly and all I assumed that they lived in accordance with all of God's ways. I naturally assumed that such adherence would include liquor which could potentially take away one's abilities and that was how the Lamanites were thwarted in attempts to overpower the Godly people. I was recently reading how George Washington's armies sought to win by being exactly obedient to God's laws, thereby winning his favor. It was commented how uncharacteristic it was for soldiers to be such upstanding gentlemen, yet such were the armies of Washington.

But, instead, it said the Lamanites were thwarted because the poison was detected before the men drank it. That caught me off gaurd.

Buddha

Last night I rewatched a documentary about Buddha cause most things, if they have information worth gleaning, require multiple experiences. I suppose it was that frame of mind that suggested a thing I had not realized. When he was searching for a true answer he found sources, yes, but he did not stop with one. It reminds me of what I think about my own children. I woukd not want them to simply take my word for something. I would not want my kids to believe a thing simply because that was what they were taught.
Bhuda found things that were not what he believed originally, and he did not stop because he found truth. Nor figure simply because a thing was not true then others were.

It is not to say the things I teach my children are not true, I merely hopethey would know why. I remember a thing I told my philosophy professor in college. I told him that the reason I seemed like a philosophy major was because I was Mormon. If the conversation had been longer it would have included that I was merely an Amatuer or lover of deep thoughts. He asked what being mormon had to do with it. I explained that inthe Bible Belt I needed to know what I believed and why (Whereas many "saints" happened to be born in places like Utah to LDS families, which we believe is just and a great great blessing ). To summarize, I was Mormon by choice in a place where one was heavily rediculed using scripture and not just trivial arguments.

Before I leave my writing I have another thing to say which is off topic ( There was a topic? ) Have you ever considered that Adam was not allowed the opportunity of choosing a wife? He did; however, choose to eat the fruit in order to stay with her as was commanded. Seems like a pretty good guy, to me. Uh, which brings me back on topic. Both Adam and Buddha were seeking truth and reconcilliation.

But, likely because I had not challanged such thinking, my thoughts side with Adam as being more noble. In my mind, Adam held fast to what he knew was right and rejected things no matter how great they seemed unless he knew. He knew already that he would be redeemed and would accept nothing less.

I never got the feeling that buddha was certain about anything. He could not even believe that he would surely find a reconcilliation or escape from the plights of mortality. My idea was that both of them set an example of how to find ( deduce )what truly is.

It is all about multiple testimonies independent of eachother comming to a conclusion. I read about that yesterday in a post about DNA kits. Brilliantly, a woman searching to find the truth tried multiple DNA kits to see if results were actually based on her donated sample of spit.

Ok, too much time for today already, 👋

Dreamlike entry

The AC

Supposedly, the ac on the van doesn't work, but I have used it with no trouble whatsoever.

The ac in our condo is not working, I just let Nick take care of it because I know that he is very self-centered and will be sure that he is taken care of, thus the kids and I are fine, although, I would like to take care of things many times... but, I think of how I have to let the kids do things even though I could do it better myself. I let them try and learn, so I let Nick try only he never tells me a thing so, in most cases, if he does a thing I learn absolutely nothing about it, one of many many reasons why I need to go to the temple and try to "re-center" as my GPS says when My map is a bit deviated and I would like to get back on track.  So
What if the AC needs attention, the kids are happy, extremely happy, Mary even told me she was having the best day of her life.

Something is lurking

I do not even know what to expect, but I expect something, and want to be preparing. Everytime I get a moment to use, I get this same feeling like it is getting closer. What is it? I am completely in the dark except for a knowledge that something is lurking.

I do have another experience to share, where I was at a low then, out of the blue a solution sort of unfolded without my intervention, or did it? I took action first, but was low because of supposed failure. Ok, let me tell the story. Wait, wait... the moral of the story ( and I tell you upfront so that you see it unfold as I did, though there are probably many ways to understand it) is that the best things happen in a way we do not expect, but is better than we planned or intended.

I had one thing on my mind, getting a car. I am not going to get started on the reason, suffice it to say it was important. It was so important I nearly put it before paying my tithing, etc. Nearly, but Thank Heaven (literally) that I didn't. I had been searching for weeks because I wanted to make a rational choice BEFORE I had the money burning a hole in my pocket. Patiently, I waited as funds started to add up, and I got excited as payday finally arrived and zi had the money to buy the car I had decided on, although technically, none felt like the exact right one, so what, huh? I needed a thing and had the means. So, we loaded the family up to go see the first car, we got stuck in a traffic jam, and I got a message that it sold. So, it was back to the other one, I told myself it was the one I really wanted anyway. It was a beautiful dodge caravan that tan fine, but had some cosmetic issues, but everytime I made arrangements to purchase it, situations changed. I was really getting an overwhelming feeling that I was purposefully being avoided. But, as the ride I was trying to arrange kept falling through, I was told that it was scheduled for being scrapped at the dump yard this morning. It was out of my control, I thought, hmmm, maybe it is difficult to see if I will endure as a measure of my sincere desire or something. I did want it, but ultimately had to resign myself to another failure, but I HAD to do something. So, I posted on my Church neighborhood's facebook page an inquiry and left it at that, but totally not desiring to even look anymore. Also, there was an issue of a lost bank card so I did not have access to a large ammount of money until a replacement card arrived anyway.
    I pittied myself a bit then tried to forget my disappointment in my dutties. Then, out of the blue, I got a txt message from a neighbor asking if I still was looking for a car. I was putting the kids to bed, but replied that I was actually. And believe it or not a very vehicle I saw newly parked by our house (someone had successfully got the exact new vehicle I wanted, it was a perfect silver dodge grand caravan). To shorten the story, the same vehicle I often admired, was being offered for sale. I bought it! Everything worked out perfectly!!

That story tells me that even if I have things planned out perfectly according to my plans, I will be happier with another plan, so if I am the planning sort, perhsps more prayer is in order to put my plan in a line with one that is obviously better. So, in this case, although I do not have a plan, per se, one is unfolding and I do not need to know what will happen, but I WANT to know and in quiet moments, like this. I face it fully. My conclusion is keeping doing what I have been taught is correct and pray if I want to know. Yet, recognize that knowing isn't going to change anything but my awareness. Hey, cool quote!

Exactly what you were looking for...

But, now that I said it, keep in mind, I will know that you read it, making rebuttal pointless. Many of these thoughts had been thought years ago in hopes of resolution. But, This is another proof that if you want something you must get it, no one has your interest in mind as well like I thought foolishly happened in marriage.

It isn't being skinnier that I want, it is the idea that people have the notion of someone who is in shape would not look like me.

When I was skinny, I was unhappy with myself and was only happy looking back. At the time, I considered myself wrong. I was not sure what, but I was not desirable. I thought that would change with having a family. If my husband adored me and I felt like I was of worth to him, I could forget about being ugly, but he has never even told me that he thought I was pretty. Infact, at times when I felt my worst, I found pornographic images and chats with "hot" girls online. Sure, I expect him to be human, and I forgave it, but it still feels terrible that all I wanted was to be acceptable and not in competition with anyone to look a certain way. It was, I will call that feeling when you wish you were dead, depression. I dealt with and moved beyond it. I had other issues to deal with that were far more soul crushing. My children were growing up with out me!!! And, I had permant issues from my brain infection that rendered me unable to do my favorite things. I figured it was intentional, like a chicken struggling so hard to break out of it's shell (referring to a newly hatched chick) nope. Unless, I gave up too soon and it is humanly possible to heal, Dr. Strange did... oh yeah, that's a movie, but it helped me see realize maybe what I was enduring was helpful damnation so that I might realize other neglected talents. So, I focus on developing them and only occassionally fret about my dwindling appearance - oh hey, just had a great idea about that!!! Ok, I'll tuck it away for later. Running, and piano maybe deserve another shot. Improvement is nearly impossible, not impossible. Where success was quick it is beyond slow, but not non existant. 

Too often, I give up cause my plan did not work instead of revising, but hey, isn't that what repentance is for? Sometimes, we have to choose between two goods where which is better is almost impossible to decide without deciding and experiencing the consequences. Sometimes a choice must be forgiven, look at Adam and Eve...

We believe that Man will be punished for his own sins, but that punishment can be mitigated through a Savior.

(Note: I found this on my phone, written, who knows when so, I published it on this date, but it was not written on this date)

Ups and downs

So, sometimes, I feel like I am headed upward or am at an apex, then I feel like I am plumetting or at an all-time low. This is normal, or usual, but I do not want to feel like I am justifying any behaviors because they simply are. I feel negative because I am failing to do as I feel like I should...another positive is sure to come where I realize that I was not doing as poorly as I imagined, yet, I could not ever feel depressed or discouraged if I did not have room for improvement.

This wishy washy tendency is cyclical, I have noticed, and duration of low is up to me just as expectations were, too.

I nudged my son today when the primary president told the kids how important it is to have quiet times to ponder things. THIS IS A WOMAN CALLED BY GOD TO INSTRUCT US and she sees that as important, and I agree. My kids chose a "quiet place" today, telling me it is important, uh, like I did not already have a quiet place. I explained that was why I het so angry when they interrupt my bathroom time cause the bathroom is my quiet place. The other is the temple. With the temples so close, I can go weekly to erase the world from my thoughts and refocus on what truly matters to me.
It is sad, but I question the things I think matter to me even though they are completely the conviction of my heart right now. I tell myself, "See if you still feel that way after some time spent in the temple." Today, an awesome thing was taught about service when we feel "down". We will never regret serving others! It will raise us to a high as well, so when we feel in the dumps start looking for a way to serve. I think that is another benefit to regular temple attendance, not only is it a quiet place, but it gives a rare opportunity for us to serve others in a dedperately needed way to genuinely become a hero in doing for others that which they could not do for themselves. In fact, just tonight, the prophet was reminding the youth of a duty to gather all Israel, and instantly, I thought of how I could help by searching out and performing ordinances in the temple,  not everyone can do it, but as I have the opportunity, I ought not waste it.

We tend to think of things in terms of consequences, and as such I know that there is a blessing directly ascribed to temple service, and I hope such blessings extend to those living. I really do not know what relationship I have, but I feel a serious obligation to love certain people. Is this natural and to be overcome or part or the covenant/promise keeping me? Still, I always think regardless what I may accomplish if I fail in this one regard, then my eternal being is at stake, though my obligation is not clear and likely not as one might assume... I am getting cryptic, like I always do when I try to speak of things without saying what they are.  I ought to close this entry and continue my thoughts in quiet reverie, I just tend to think better when I am typing it out and trying to communicate the feelings into words, whoch if they were for myself alone, I wouldn't bother doing. But, I have been asked to record things like this for some reason... so, I try.