The Game

It seems like everyone is playing, and I play,best of all. I am even thought to be brilliant beyond imagination for the way I play, but the irony is that I am not playing at all. My brilliance is literally not it's own.

Electronic reliability? And potatoes...

I want to believe that if I pour my heart out that it will not be lost, so why not just use a book? Because I have seen in my life time how written records disappeared and even ink degrades, not to mention the,likelihood of such a record even being found much less read is very unprovable when written in a book. My writting is nearly illegible. Having done some work extracting names and dates from census records, I have come to believe that even the internet in all of it's potential for unreliability, it is much more reliable than any other options, also because it is dispersed. It was nice to think about on the tv program Torchwood when any and all reference to a word could be removed and those searching for it could hardly believe it because it would seem so implausible. In this situation actual paper and photograph, none of them digital, ended up being uncovered, through extreme searching.

So, I will pray it and speak of it here in a less obvious place, and I will.speak in metaphors. I get an allowance for food purchase which honestly feels,extravagant, but still I am so hungry. It is like I have an ample supply of sweet potatoes when I crave regular potatoes. One would say, well, heck learn to use what you've got. But, instead I even dream of creamy, cheesy mashed potatoes. The longing seems too silly to even mention and so I ignore it hoping by necessity it will go away. It doesn't. I try to focus on other things that I love hoping to fill my mind with so many great things that there will be no room to dream of potatoes.
But, it is useless. I cannot deny who I am and I want potatoes, not sweet potatoes, though the whole world tells me that sweet potatoes are better for you and they have more uses etc. None of that changes the fact that I need my potatoes and so no one will appreciate it, infact, they will consider it a sin especially when I already have everything they need. But, I do not have what I need.

What *is* wrong with me, indeed? I am a good sensible girl, why can't I just change this little part of who I am if it would make everything alright? Well, it is a lot like the genealogy I was working on yesterday.

I had everything I needed but a few specific dates so, I did an internet search and found an old text book that had been painstakingly typed out and put online. This text had all of the specifics I,needed, even the right names first and last, but the location was different. I wanted so badly to have found them and just be the one who found the missing information, but something said, are you sure about that? So, I called my mother and she verified 100% positively that the original dates were right and those people coincidentally had the same names, but it was not the ones I was seeking. So, though it would make better sense to just cite that book as my source and copy down the sure dates, these are dead people afterall, it is not like their blood will call out for vengeance just because I wrote down incorrect information. That is how I see myself in my situation. It makes more reasonable sense to change my diet to fit what I had it'nit like I have a food allergy or something serious, it is just a craving, like a tiny little voice saying "are you sure about that?" It would be easy to ignore that craving, but it would still be there.

My solution is to go find another life, one where regular potatoes are readily available to me.

It is a good thing, right?

I was trying to think of what I wanted and I could only think of one thing, and it has,been said money can't buy it, no one can buy it.

I used to have a list, but one by one they disappeared, and it is not because I cannot find them, it is my wishes were met. No approval,needed. Of itself, I think it is beyond expression how awesome it is.

But, you have no money, ahh! But, I have prayer and God is most powerful and all knowing and all.doing. worth getting to know!

Dare I say it?

No, I am too tired to say anything, I'll just,dream it and wake up refreshed for having acted upon a notion.

Not afraid, just not stupid

There have been two diferent times sort of the same thing happened and I feel like the pharoah who had a dream that he couldn't shake, but how noble of him to bother looking for answer to a dream. It seems like he could have just said,  they were just dreams, nothing more, but it was his dire need to know what it meant that ended up meaning a very important consequence that would effect all mankind.

Anyway, the first time was more of an idea that came in a visible way. Next, came a dream, full blown with sound and of those I think they are called lucid dreams where you retain a memory of feelings,even when I woke up. It did 2 things 1) made me wonder why we do not just live in dreams, I could not see an advantage instantly of waking up. 2) I wanted so much to go back to that same dream again, I felt like I  ought to have behaved differently, it was a dream afterall.

I cannot return to my dream, but I could try to model life after it. I suppose that is what people call having and chasing your dream. But, when we had a lesson yesterday about Ester I thought about Torchwood, no. Just kidding, I thought about how terrifying it would have been for her to know that she was risking her life in speaking to the king. I bet she rehearsed a billion times what she would say. And then starving for 3 days, have you ever tried it? Talk about being glittery, and exhausted, but that Corr's song says when you're young you don't even need sleep or food anyway. And she was young, but I know that we only fasted 1 day for Aaron Murphy, but it was miraculous. I think it will stay with me, written in the inner parts of,my heart, reminding me what a focused good a group fast and prayer can do. The world is just now catching up and realizing that prayer does unexplained good for the recipient, and the giver.

Someone noted that when we speak things out loud it solidifies in our beings, and that is a reason for testimony meetings.

It has been long since accepted that there are benefits to prayer and positive thinking, though it is unexplained has never been an issue for religion. People are happy and do not know why and do not need to know why. Then, the world pretends to discover things as they joyfully accept what mysteriously was known all along.

So, now on to why I do not chase after my dream, if I do want it to become a reality, no matter how real a dream seems it is a dream and not a place or thought that we can return to the thoughts that created a place so perfect. I have actually prayed for Such a reality, but do not confront because It would be foolish, there is no mortal consequence or anything that prevents me out of fear of death, like Ester, but, a certain sense of bounderies. Also, because I love the idea so fully, I do not desire to ruin any chances I could have, by speaking on a hope.

It is a dream that I am so obsessed with that I am going to have to have more faith than I have to achieve, and it would be like going to a gun fight without a gun. I do not fear for my life, I fear for possible regret. So, I'll conclude with a favorite quote as of yesterday."not shrinking is far more important than surviving"

Soapbox

This or that. This obviously, no, that. Oh, I am sick to death on the temporary peace that comes when I think that I have finally decided, then some foolish,thing seems to weasel it's way into my short lived peace of mind. This goes either way. I just want to make up my mind and stick with it.

It would be so easy, and a comment on a show plays in my head: "I have no right to be anything but happy." Or when I felt the stinging barbs pricking at my peace of mind I thought, oh that is,just Satan trying to keep me,from being happy. He wants others to be miserable,like himself or just keep me from achieving anything that would make me truly happy.

Then, I started thinking well, Isn't it just me who isn't happy with this all and though I can suppress it, I cannot do so indefinitely. I will live forever.

It boils down to basically what I believe, not what actually is. I believe that there is so much good I can do and I will be an instrument for good, though I might have to be strong enough to go against what my friends and family think is Better for me. They are not me.

I believe so many quirky things that have not been documented, but enough of them have been and so I decide they all must be true. I believe the doctrine of Love is the most important and it is key to surviving mortality and paramount beyond mortal life. Mostly, I see that, and it really breaks my heart, my husband doesn't believe the same things as I do, like if something is right, do it, and if you really value it, treated it so. He constantly does things that are little, but remind me that though he speaks well, his heart is not in agreeance. I can relate to that, but I want him to change what is in his heart, whereas I want to change my mind.

We find peace when my heart alligns with his mind, but then my head hates the actions of his heart so much that I feel repulsion and disgust, then turn that disgust back on myself for disturbing the peace which would make everyone happy.

I just wonder if it is correct. When it is a matter of Joseph and Mary (my children not the parents of Jesus) then, hands Down always what is best for them always wins. But, who decides what is best?

Time to act on information

I had been perfectly content to reason out why I ought to do what I want to do, but this morning, things,became more than I can deal with and it was composed in my heart forever and I can say that I know never changing what love is and why it is so necessary.

There simply are things that no matter how well we understand them we cannot act accordingly. The power to act comes from our hearts.

In things I have studied about our Brains, I learned that science was partially right, which causes more confusion than ignorance, it was believed that a person resided in their heart. The heart made up cognitive self and a heart transplant would change the identity of the body.

Now, we think it silly, but at the time, scholars found it most reasonable. The time has come in which I must act upon things that are not reasonable but true. I had to be backed into a figurative corner to do so.

I feel like a gentle animal who has all of the ability to be ferocious, but is as docile as can be until it has no other choice.

I am very sick and just need a bit of rest. I locked the girl's room so that Mary would stay in bed. I made sure everyone was cared for and taken care of. But, at 2:30 Mary showed up making demands, I had barely fallen asleep, which I had to despite Nick's terribly loud and obnoxious shooting game. Now, everyone is awake and screaming demands, and I simply cannot take it. Still, Nick is asleep quietly in his bed. If I did not believe fully in life after death and justice, or in other words, God. I would kill myself.

But, instead I hear the cries and think of how I will be held accountable for my stewardship as a mother. I know undeniably that though it makes little sense I simply must have love. It makes me care for the children when my reflex is to take care of myself. Regardless of what he professes, Nick is not good for anyone in this family. Infact, it is mostly, despite him, and he causes almost every difficulty while relieving none. He would rather just call me selfish than consider anything that would undeniably be needful for everyone else in this family.

I am making a definite plan, that will not be understood, but does not need to be, I am tired of trying my hardest to do things that bring immediate happiness and resolution but fade into this. If I cannot handle these trials without love, I can never expect to weather storms to come.