Years later - diagnosis

social pragmatic communication disorder, which has some symptoms that overlap with Asperger's. Doctors use it to describe people who have trouble talking and writing, but have normal intelligence.

My last doctor who was admittedly a specialist working with young children. Was baffled that I did not test positive for ADHD/ADD. but, I almost laughed.surely most could tell what answers one ought to answer to get a certain diagnostic. Like my first mental therapist who asked if I heard voices. I tried not to laugh. Would someone who heard voices actually admit to that? I did not, the thing I did incorrectly was obey an instruction. But, even now I get frusturated and feel like he was perhaps not as precise. He told me to fold a sheet of paper in half. I folded it lengthwise, cause I assumed we were going to be making columns of lists. But He got upset and said here, I'll do it. So, about the child psychologist I asked him merely to explain what a drug was going to do chemically before I consumed it. So, he changed my prescription because I did not have the problem the first drug would alter. And later, when my mom told him about a thing I had done which was very uncharacteristic I heard him say that perhaps I was sociopathic. Ok? I did not know what that meant, but I took it home and tried it on. It explained (excused) some behavior, but did not explain my extreme sense of empathy.

About a year ago, I heard someone speak about autism being a diagnosis merely to define a different way of seeing things. I studied a whole lot and even developed a grand conspiracy theory of others diagnosing me as such. I would not agree. I know others who have been diagnosed as being on the spectrum and I was nothing like them. I was normal and quirky. Sure, I did not see things like others but This was not a thing to define or label me. I was allowed to live at this time for a purpose, being understood was just not one of them. But really. I get so extremely tired of living. I just cannot find where I belong. Surely, the thing I ought to gain from this life is a family and how to live in a home. Then, randomly I watched a video on high functioning autism and was like BINGO on every bit not just parts. So, I have a diagnosis.

Just found this and wanted to add it:
social pragmatic communication disorder, which has some symptoms that overlap with Asperger's. Doctors use it to describe people who have trouble talking and writing, but have normal intelligence.

https://youtu.be/nK2DlLmVc20

Ocassionally, strike that, make it rarely

I regain perspective where I see my real place and I am humbled and apologetic for being so presumptuous or pretentious in my communucations.

But, most of the time I am an earthling doing things one does never considering any other possibility. Like an infant never sees parents and care givers as potential peers.

I think of the notion of a dying Beethoven shaking his fist at God, and every one who considers this act thinks, "well, surely he does not know what he is doing." Let us not for even a moment entertain the idea that he is truly brilliant.

I scurry like a cautious spider. You scare me.

Sorry if I wonder

But...

I cannot help but keep coming back to the idea of reincarnation, but not in the way I have been taught like a close relative possibly being a cow or spider or something. But, I know what I know so it must fit with that (like a side length in a triangle that I already know the angles to) to be true. It feels like a tangent when I hear about it from other's lips, but the idea lingers about me waiting patiently for me to find the truth of it, but it is not something I ought to share or muse over publically.

I was listening to documentaries about (speculations) very distantly past times and rulers, and in it experts said that the stories were alot like Instagram feeds in that there is truth to them but it is not as easy to see and are likely colored by the agendas that birthed them.

Too complainy for public...

I was going to post this on Facebook, but it felt too whiny. All I wanted for Christmas was a DNA kit, but I got nothing. Well, my daughter gave something that I loved, but my husband and Santa gave me nothing. I figured I got nothing for my birthday cause he was saving to get me something amazing (like more than 3 dollars) I got cash from my parents, but I used it to buy presents from Santa assuming someone was going to get me something anyway, cause that is what happens on Christmas, right?

Well, now I wish I had not spent that money so that I could have gotten myself a DNA kit. Next time I get paid I am going to get myself one. Probably everyone thought it was soo obvious that surely someone was already getting that for me. That happens alot, I like to believe.

I am just done hoping I have not gotten anything for years and believed I simply was not patient enough. Surely, when I got a gift it would be all the more deserving cause of justice.

Accordingly, I just lost all of the karma I earned by loudibly complaining, but I don't care. It makes me doubt so much instead of building faith it destroys it. I am dealing with other mankind, not a diety. God is truly just and loving. Every expectation and miracle has occurred as expected my thought is that just as a practice of "consecration" never worked on earth for a reason. It will be a looked forward to practice one I thought would be a shared vision and practice in my home so living it eventually would feel like it was perfectly normal and happy.

So, yeah, my complaint echoes the saying that if you want something done you do it yourself. I just heard a sentiment in the Jewish people in regard to how they would accomplish a thing that seemed impossible. The Rabbi said, "If God wants something done then he will find a way to do it." So yeah, my solution previously was not right, but I am beginning to understand the impressions and hopefully a terrible malady will not be required to make me act, but even Joseph, my son, told me that he was extremely worried that I would not do what I needed to, I had known for years and years that I ought to go to Utah, and graciously I was allowed to Perdue my own prerogative but then ultimately, I was forced, sort of, through providence to do what I knew for years that I ought to have. Hey! This sounds like Jonah to me. Suppose there are truths to be learned everywhere in every story.

Lastly, in life, the end does justify the means. Sort of. I have been maimed and pruned causing me sooo much heartache and pain, but it can and will be done and worth it in the end.

Let it begin

I had only hoped and relied on the faith of others to work miracles. I have this night decided that I hope enpugh to begin my own faith and will begin to expect good things not only hope, but pray by name to cause very very great things to happen because of the way others have only wanted to exist to this point.

This notion was prompted by the goodness and encouragement given by Suzanne Taylor, today. And I was not even going to attend an interview but the words of my old stake patriarch from Midland, Michigan came to my mind reminding me of a thing my Father in Heaven said to me reminding me that it was important to attend every single meeting as they would round out and develop my character. I needed character development, too, and I got it. Maybe we get what we are looking for, and I am looking for strength and found it. I know that humility is significant and miracles are expected.

Documentation

I am glad to have everything so well documented, because it is my experience that memory is no substitute for firsthand account of things.

A comment

As I had my phone in hand I will record my nightly thoughts regarding my time spent reading the Bookof Mormon tonight.

31 But behold, the Nephites were not slow to remember the Lord their God in this their time of affliction. They could not be taken in their snares; yea, they would not partake of their wine, save they had first given to some of the Lamanite prisoners.
32 And they were thus cautious that no poison should be administered among them; for if their wine would poison a Lamanite it would also poison a Nephite

I was really not expecting that. I felt all along like the armies of Moroni or other called the armies of the Nephitepeople were in my mind righteous peoplewinning their wars from the aid of God. Iget that notion As well from the old testament where one can determine which side of a battle God was on by learning who won. If thestory of David and Goliath taught anything it is that regardless what seems the outcome will always be God.

So, while I was thinking of these men as being Godly and all I assumed that they lived in accordance with all of God's ways. I naturally assumed that such adherence would include liquor which could potentially take away one's abilities and that was how the Lamanites were thwarted in attempts to overpower the Godly people. I was recently reading how George Washington's armies sought to win by being exactly obedient to God's laws, thereby winning his favor. It was commented how uncharacteristic it was for soldiers to be such upstanding gentlemen, yet such were the armies of Washington.

But, instead, it said the Lamanites were thwarted because the poison was detected before the men drank it. That caught me off gaurd.