I will go alone, thank you though.
Um, but what will you do?
(Reminds me of what was asked of Moses when he took the Children of Israel into the desert)
I really do not know yet. But, I do know that the Lord will guide me.
(Reminds me of what David said about going to fight Goliath)
I have to write this again, it was that good.
These are my verbal flashbangs attempting to interest or distract you from what really matters.
It is always a matter of us or them, and if you aren't us then you are opposed. Tonight, I read a comment that used sound logic to show how what "they" said could not be true. It compared the thing said with the thing that was and in two side by side columns they seemed obviously polar opposites. How then could anyone disagree?
It is simple, they are not us and do not think like us and have their own "reasons" whoch obviously prove the way they believe, and merely defending ourselves offends them.
Now, what I really was interested by, was a thing I saw in a movie last weekend where a guy was documenting the internal struggle of becoming us or them. And how there always seem to be a million and on reasons to believe what you want and them WHAM a weed of doubt starts growing making your conviction wane. This seems to be quite common. It is through overcoming that we gain strength and must choose a side...pause to consider "dirty diggerman", ok.
Tonight, as I was thinkibg about how each wave of doubt, uh, maybe I'll call them hurdles to be cleared. Fewer and fewer remain. It is sad. One that broke my heart so much (it needs to be pointed out how breaking up soil makes it furtile, might it do the same with a heart?)pointed out hiw inconsistencies are abundant, and truly they are, they have always been that way, no attempt to remove them has been artempted because they are by design. It was the very point of lies or inconsitancies that became a strong foundation for me. So, how does one grow stronger in believing a doubt? This. Interests. Me.
I never attempt to deny a doubt or contend with it. A thing is truly a lie. It seems accepting that is part of becoming real.
Just moments ago I was watching a Joseph Smith story that has been pocked apart, but, really, that does not need to be done. If one is looking for something ither than God, he will find it. Among the things I have heard commented on was that in a scripture we have canonized as JSH it says that as Joseph was reading the book of James it forcibly effected him insomuch that it caused him to desire to inquire of God because he needed to know (James, first chapter and fifth verse, which reads: If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him). But, then in a different journal it tells that a sermon was given about that passage and that was why it was in Joseph's mind. Yeah? So?
Laughingly, I think this is the sort of contradiction they would find and blow out of proportion. But, it really is not so funny that they were even looking and finding anything wrong with the account when it is believed by an enitire denomination to be the way of things.
But, for some reason, my mind was wandering as if often does to consider the big three "why" "where" and "when". Mostly because of the preperation for a lesson that attempts to explain them.
First, I recall the scene from A Room With A View where the hero boy, played by Julian Sands is found to be asking the eternal question of "why?" Maybe I'll finish this thought later...
Anyway, I started to think of the pretty sure possibility of being observed by spirits of others who have left their bodies, huh? Well, anyway, I started thinking how incredibly wise Alvin Smith was and wondered if he would ever think I was smart, which somehow led me to consider Joseph Smith still being alive cause. That is what I believe and it fits with all of us LDS folk. The plan of salcation explains where we came from and where we are going, etc. So, that caused me, not gonna explain myself cayse it would take too long and would likely be misunderstood anyway, to contemplate plural marriage. I have never thought of it as being about sex. Often, i wondered if it was of more worth to me to be loved, or to be sealed to one as good and powerful who eould make a better God one day.
This all lead me to start thinking about how if things seem true or false would not make much difference to me, in fact there are things that are most likely not what they seem to be, and this does not disuade me. And really, even polygamy does not bother me as much as being loved, but where does that come from?
I wish I had a chart to diagram love the plan of love maybe. I feel like I am distracted by salvation.when what really ought to matter more is love.
It has happened almost too many times to be able to ignore, although I pretend to ignore at the first mention of it I made a note.
I, in all things, seek, or take great pride in not being discernable. An actual thought in college in choir rehersal one day when my professor said, "the worst comment someone could make after a performance is 'I could hear you'." My thoughts were, "yes! This is where I belong! Where not standing out is commendable."
Quite a few times, I have explained a thing to the best of my ability to recieve the comment that I was so completely scatterbrained that I made no sense. This bothered me, and I wanted to correct and edit so that I would be using language as a means to communicate not alienate. However, my thoughts were that there will always be someone who doesn't grasp what I mean, and I must just learn to accept that and deal with it, but it was noted. Then, the whole situation reoccurred, and has with enough frequency that I mentally raise a red flag. I am not communicating with my peers, which means I am standing out. Eeek!
Likewise, another lighthearted comment was made about how I percieve things differently. Being noticed as obviously different was huge, regardless of it was merely one of those, grasping to say something compliments like, "Your teeth look very nice in your mouth." It was like being told YOU sounded nice after a choir concert. One should be pleased, right? Well, it was like a grain of sand in an oyster shell.
Given enough time, I notice a trend. I have even asked close friends if I was seen as "that crazy lady". The beauty of being a local crazy lady is that you do not even notice that you are crazy. And, so, I thought, since I think this makes sense, but it doesn't, maybe I think I blend in, but I stick out.
Am I that villiage crazy lady? Would anyone say so, if I was? Could I be if I was aware? Probably not, cause I would avoid doing anything that stood out...
I am having another thought that requires stage front and center...that was mostly what I intended in the first place, anyway.
I have always been of the mindset that failures were inevitable, and almost a rite of passage. Failure is an evidence of trying and are a sure way to not succeed. OK. So, then I watched "Meet the Robinsons" again along with a documentary about many of America's finest creators or inventors. And it was pretty much given as common sense, the addage that one ought to keep on. I recall a quote,but only vaguely, nothing specific, but it said that it is only failure if you stop there, otherwise it is a step towards success.
Well, so now you are thinking thoughts that I thought when I half listened toy children watching about Noah's Ark on a program. I thought, "If this is true, which without question, it is; then, God made a mistake when he was creating earth, but did not just scrap it all, but instead did a type of reset, but kept moving forward." Next, it was noted that man began to multiply again and they started to become wicked in God's eyes.
So, God must've had a purpose in the first place to feel like anything had failed.and the thing we call wickedness is not an intended thing. But, if it was inevitable that man would fail to please him, then the solution would have been to completely wipe them out, like they were ruining his beautiful, beloved planet, but they were kept and a promise was made to never flood the earth again.
So, wickedness is not desirable, but it is inevitable sorta like any failure.
I believe there is a plan and deviation is only part of eventual success unless one gives up.
I do not have any words on my mind, yet I am restless and feel a need to communicate, only nothing in particular. I just feel like if I write something, maybe the thing that needs to be thought will present itself.
I feel like I have to make the choice that I thought I had already made before, but, if I had, I would not be here at this precipice so often. If I had leaped, jumping would no longer be a choice, but it is.
I decided, that love was merely a stumbling block and so I decided to live without it, that was my choice, but I sort of question that and think, it is not too late yet!
I have a very foreign idea one that seems to not fit in this life, but it cannot be forgotten, so it must be recognized and dealt with. I think that all my life little things have happened giving little glimpses that together on a movie of my life would have worked as foreshadow quite nicely that I have been given all of the blessings available on earth, like being a wife and mother but, consistantly, I was intended to give proof of certain traits and how even if not used or hidden would still prove valuable and not to be rooted out. But, I keep failing, and given another chance.
I feel like my experience or life has not been typical and definately not one to be used as an example. I think maybe I could never have lived a normal life anyway because, a huge part of life is building relationships and family, which although I have, I did not do it the right way. My family is built upon will power and reason. It is strong but not the way it was intended, now here is where my wierd notion comes to play.
I have a notion that I am already married and sealed and that I am "blessed" to experience having children in mortality, but, when I die to this life I will only be returning to one so loving I dod not need to have a mortal lifetime to develop it. I know this idea is woerd and think where on earth would I even get an idea like that? My answer is simply, my wild imagination generated it with variables supplied from various sources. It is like algebra, with a lifetime trying to solve for X, everytime I get another clue or potential fact I think it will be enough as long as everything else I supplied fits.
Nope. Still not even sleepy. What gives? Maybe, I need to do something crazy, but I already cut my hair off... hmmm
Maybe, try once again to love my husband, but, face it. I just don't and he needs love, I really ought to jyst back off and let him fall in love. I keep saying I will, but I want Mary to be baptized first. Then I will feel better about filling my obligation to God regarding her. At least being certain that she could potentially be redeemed and return to God.
Yes, I believe that fully. And what is more significant is that I believe that I will be resurrected, and live forever which makes being in love and sealed to someone so important and likely why I fabricate such a tale because I know that is necessary, and I further know that unless there is drastic change I cannot be sealed to my current husband. I do not want to be with him even for more than a few hours let alone forever.
It is so wierd. I should be sleepy. Usually, I am. I tend to fall asleep typing things, then, I wake up to a nearly dead phone battery.
So. What do I do? The way that definately works, giving me access to a life more compatible with everything I have been taught and know or do I give up everything that could be good with merely great expectations or hope of the one thing my life is missing.
I know it was a comedy, and not intended to be a model for how to make choices, but I recently watched an episode of "The Orville" where a young security officer was left in command of a vessel and she was unsure what to do. A hogher ranking official gave her direct orders of what to do, but she wanted to risk loosing everything at the chance she might be able to save her commanding officers. Although, she got lucky in fonding them, it seemed pretty unlikely that they would be retrieved, still she hoped and managed to retrieve them!
Oh, here it is. My thought. I just found it. I can actually accomplish anything that I decide to accomplish. I have it on good authority that I most definately can, and so I need to simply decide what outcome I desire and them make it happen. My concern ought to be what consequences will necessarily follow as a result, like the debt that comes from using credit to buy things. Sure you have the means, but you really need to consider what the cost will be in the long run. It is the same for me.
I have been introduced to the notion that what you create is what returns to you, like karma. Only, a tad different. S great move that explains it is "The Letter Writer".I have been very cautious about what I pray for because I do not want to ruin lives, but if everyone has their own freedom to choose. I cannot hurt anyone unless they let me anyway.
I do have a wish that is secret I sang about it, "Only God Knows". Ok. Falling asleep, now.
I hear so much about following your heart, but I can actually explain reasonably what that means or "feels" like right now.
There are things that I love and the same things just "feel" wrong when someone else loves them, too. It seems extremely wrong, like that Vertical Horizon song about "Everything You Want" "He says exactly the right thing, at exactly the right time and he means nothings to you and you don't know why." Another lyric that bewildered me is from a familiar song sung by Jewel it says, "I saw a movie it just wasn't the same. It was happy or I was sad...made me miss you oh so bad..."
Really, reasonably, they are the,very things I love and my mind tells me that the pieces fit, and I ought to just decide to feel happy and take things as they are and make everyone happy, AHEM! I would not be happy, but If I am in charge, then it is just a,matter of making myself happy with what is like other lyrics, " first, you take the things you love and then love the things you took."
But, a good friend simply warned me at exactly the moment needed that Perhaps uneasiness is a warning and I should listen to things even when I do not understand them. And this is such a recurring feeling...Something is not acceptable. But, that is just a feeling, my thoughts are that I am in charge and I can decide to just deal with that one single objection... but, now I fear it will ruin everuthing else I love, (without thought).
Next, Jane Eyre comes to mind. Whem Jane decides to run away from Rochester, and I got so angry that woth everything so perfect, just deal with it, and do not throw it away. He professes his love and is ot nit what she wants? Reminds me of "Anne of Avonlea" when she doesn't just marry the Harris dude I get so upset. Anyhow, Jane says that it is because it is soo close to being real love that she must run away because something is not right and she doesn't want to see it twist and deform over time into something disgusting... another lyric "we started something so fine and rare now we're stuck in neutral we're going nowhere..."
I think the largest leaps or the largest risks lead to the greatest rewards, although that does not mean all leaps and risks gain any reward, but in order to deserve any reward a risk must be taken. I imagine an image of a loved one dangling over a cliff only holding on to your grip, and you can choose to hang on and maybe save the life, maybe loose yours, or you can feel their's loosening and let it... but, it is merely nature or reflexive to want to save at all cost!
I had Moana on the brain since I woke up this morning, so getting some nice take aways from researching Polynesian culture and names, etc. I naturally found myself watching "Johnny Lingo". And realized how much it has effected my lack of worth to have never been even given an engagement ring. I understand the father being bypassed as fathers are no longer owners of their daughters, etc. But, I have never felt even slightly important to my husband, and certainly no one he wouldwant to be with forever, like I grew up believing I would be valued by someone so much.
After I was sealed to my first husband, I was never given a ring, so I purposefully asked him how he felt about being with me forever. He said that was what he wanted, but then divorced me. I listened a lot to a song "The Way" by Daniel Bedingfield and appreciated how he explains that feelings or intrapersonal relationships change like everything in nature, but, really I ended up knowing my worth through my Spiritual memory and reminders that I was loved and cherished and would be again, so what if He was not the one to provide my eternal worth acknoeledgement, it will happen, cue my husband who I basically commanded him to marry me because he seemed to lack any motivation to do so, but I figured it was his intent, subsequently I have, through experience, realized the pain and heartache that can result in trying to assume intentions.
He still, years later, has never done anything to even hint at him esteeming me or appreciating anything I am or do. But, I have found considerable worth in considering who I am despite how I am treated.
