belong

It is Halloween, yippee! I still do not feel like I live here. It sort of feels like a dream or like I am living here while I visit my parents. I am considering getting some chickens to raise, or maybe guineas or ducks, it remains to be seen. I feel like that might ground me a bit.

    Honestly, I think it is because I am neither sealed to these people or have had this home blessed, and because those things have not been seen to they must not be seen as important. I have repeatedly expressed my desire to have our home blessed, but nothing has happened. I figure it is like all of the other promises, or rather they seemed like promises to me, like repainting the porch and replacing the door ( both were supposed to have been done before we move in ). Nick has also said that he was going to make our garage a "man cave" in September. Tomorrow is November and no steps have been taken. As I type this here, I begin to understand my thoughts and feelings a bit more clearly, and it makes sense why I do not feel like I belong.

black holes

I got to thinking, and realized brilliant thoughts are more likely when in a warm bath dye to an increase of blood flow, thus o2 to the brain, so where is my great thought? 

Instead, I realized that my parents still are and will likely always be slightly better than me, even when they get old, they are more fit and talented than me. When my parents were my age they always out performed me, which is fine...I have kids, only trouble is my kids are much better than me as well, already. So, my parents are amazing, my siblings are almost perfect, my kids out score everyone so that they are nearly off the charts most of the time, I attribute that to their father who is also incredibly intelligent and able and likely the reason, I can never seem to put my finger on why staying youthful and thin is important to me... but what I realized was that I was a huge zero. I am a black hole. Realizing everyone else's greatness should prove to me that I am awesome, too, but it only makes me feel like a total failure, until I realized that I was a black hole and no one really knows what is going on there..... but every family, eh universe has one, a massive one... all I can say is that there needs to be an opposition in all things, so it us because I am so mediocre that makes everyone else seem so wonderful.....got a movie scene in my head (  https://youtu.be/H5lZ4czTR4o?si=8lzEV95D4sdlJzmx )

it is always insignificant instructions?

I get caught in frustrating loops, and one such just happened. It was in a sentence that could be described a peripheral. A man was talking about how from our early days we begin molding who we are, and who we are never naturally is who we need to be. They was the point, and it was a subpoint to a larger lecture point. But, in his lecture he said that his mother told him not to eat with his hands. This disturbed me, because in my mind one cannot possibly eat without using your hands, and then I would fail to see the larger more important picture. This happens quite often to me, like in Kindergarten, a teacher scolded me for improperly coloring in the lines, she told me that I ought not leave white places within my pictures when coloring. Only now do I understand her criticism. It effected me for years. I went on to be scolded for using too much crayon and scribbling too darkly, but I tried to protest that no matter how hard I scribbled there was some white that would show through. It must be caused by cheap crayons. And more recently, yet long ago, a psychologist gave me a sheet of paper and asked me to fold it in half, so I did, but he stopped the assessment right then because I had not followed his directions and that was a larger issue that needed to be addressed. I had folded the paper in half lengthwise. I was not trying yo be difficult or different, though that was what he claimed my issue was, when I went in hopes to find a way to reactivate dormant parts of my brain causing my hemiparalysis. I had reclaimed my sight, through working on my visual cortex, so I hoped that working on using my entire brain, I could recover all that had been lost. He was first assessing what damage had been done, and years later I observed a test frequently given to stroke victims to aid in recovery after the incident. I believe that is what my Doctor/therapist would have accomplished if I had not messed up.

Most significant, personal event

Tonight, I made a choice to live as I was born and believe 100% in things I cannot understand. This was manifest in a very simple, to most, action of deleting once and for all the money-making (time/life- wasting) applications from my phone. The reason this was so hard for me is the same thing I see in struggles of people recorded since the beginning of time, relinquishing the one way we see of accomplishing a desire. 

One of the best examples of this is in the Bible story of Sarah and Abraham. Sarah was a smart cookie, her husband had been promised a thing,  but instead of just trusting that God would prepare a way for them, she figured out a way to accomplish this and put her ideas into action  now, I will not argue what I couldn't possibly understand, but in my situation it seems like it was forwarding God's purposes and a good thing, but ultimately it was her idea, instead of praying and trusting, Sarah got busy figuring out how to make things happen. It is like Peter when he started to drown when trying to walk on the water ( a thing he totally could do ). It is a matter of believing that God can actually do what he says he can. It is only natural for us to doubt. But, in my situation, time and again, it has been proven to me that God is able to , by miracles if needed, do his own will. My job is to help the rising generation, ok, well, I cannot do much of anything without the finances. It has always been in the back of my mind that I am often overlooked for opportunities to serve because I am a slave to money,  and one cannot serve God if they are struggling to just stay alive. So, deleting all of my accounts is something I had wanted to do for a very long time,  but I doubted having any financial security unless I was making it happen.

Now, I am thinking of how it seems counter-intuitive for a skilled athlete to not participate in a career essential event because it is on the Sabbath. Now, it does not even matter what day it truly is or isn't.  The concept here is that a person must willfully decide that honoring a commandment will bless them more that seeking the accolades of accomplishment that comes with this event. But, time and time again, that has been proven. A God who asks people to do a thing will always make it more worth our while, than anything effect that we may be striving for.

Plainly, I felt like I should delete my one sure way of making an income (like selling my van) which is actually like a thousand other choices that I have finally made, though hard to do. I do not know what will happen and that should stress me, but to the contrary, I am at peace because it was what was the right thing to do (eternally speaking). It makes me more reliant on the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Those evil Roman overlords will not be over thrown by this dude ( or action ), but following him will be possible... oh, one more very significant thing that occurred to me tonight was from a video that blah, blah, blah said that such and such would enable us to be taken home to our father in Heaven, and instantly it reminded me of the parable of the Lost sheep which was not persuaded to rejoin the flock, nor forced against it's will, but it was lovingly carried back to where it belonged. 

thinking

This is just a brain dump so that I will not need to remember, and yet I do not have time to fully understand yet...

I know that it is rarely mentioned in the scriptures,  but if men become so gluttonous it ruins their body, when they are resurrected they will have a perfect body. I know that we are taught ways to eat and live so that our spirit might be pleased with its Tabernacle of clay. Also, I have been taught that the body was a gift from God, and with our spirit combined we can become a soul more completely like Him.... ok, lots to think about, how it becomes one of our greatest tests to earn having a chance to have this body and progress forever. One such example is fasting, and demonstrating our spiritual strength to lead our body and sanctify it so that we might have a comforter. Ok, but, that is all about this life, suppose we are resurrected. Well, what purpose would eating serve? Or fasting? It reminds me of a scene from the New Testament where the disciples of Jesus ask they do not need to fast, and he explains that he is already with them. I have been taught about three degrees of Glory in the afterlife, the one called the Celestial (Sun) is in the presence of God. But, whenever anyone mentions seeing the dwelling place of God it is a place where tons of people are praising and bowing to him... and everything  is perfectly organized (God cannot bear anything unperfect). Lots to think about... my philosophy teacher asked if classmates believed that "Mormons" would go to Hell. They did. Then, he asked if they would be happy in Heaven. Then he wanted to know details, like would they be able to remember anything from this lifetime, or would just be like angels or with their loved ones. Then he added, unfortunately, none of you will be able to remember Melissa cause she is a "Mormon". They explained that they would. But, he shook his head no and told them, it doesn't seem possible. Because they said they would feel so incredibly happy. And how could they be happy when they thought that I was in Hell. Anyway.... back up... regarding families. We as members of the church  of Jesus Christ of Later-day Saints believe in sealing ordinances, where relationships can be sealed not just til death, but forever. This is the same healing power that was granted to Elijah, the prophet. The other students are not sealed together, and yet, they all professed that they would be together in Heaven.

Then, the real thing that I still work through with no answer yet decades later, when asked who's wife a woman would be, Jesus explained that the askers did not understand marriage. Also, when talking about divorce he basically said it was wrong to divorce some in any situation, and Moses allowed it because the Children of Israel again demonstrated their inability to live higher laws.. I'm thinking he was saying it was a sort of "fence" law.

Going back even further, regarding resurrection and the effects of overeating  how does such a concept effect sexual laws like polygamy or promiscuity. It is considered a human need or desire to have sex, like eating,  see where I'm going with this? I have been biased to believe it was a law that you need to be married and only have children in marriage, and such desires would need to be overcome if a higher goal of a happy family and children were to be achieved. Also, we call God our father, so family must be pretty important eternally. Again, lots to think about, but not enough time. 

logi

Just thought about that, and wanted to tell the story of Logi. For nearly any gift giving occasion I received dinosaurs. I also was mildly obsessed with Mozart, ok it was a full blown obsession. I named my huge collection of dinosaurs after Mozart and we (my collection and I) had big birthday parties each year for him. Turns out it is the same day my friend Jim Radford was born and my maternal grandmother and grandfather so they got married on that day, too. Ok, I think Mozart was actually born on the 27th, but it isn't as cool so, O always change it to the 26th... so, Logi? Well, I had a plastic allosaurus or maybe it was a brontosaurus. Anyhow, I named it Alloysia after Alloysia Weber, and I decided to teach my baby sister all of their names, and she did quite well, only she called Alloysia Logi and it stuck. So, I had a cute little green, plastic dinosaur named Logi. But, my real fun was I took the hem out of an old skirt and it was nylon (like fishing line). I tied it around Logi's neck and the other end around my foot and walk around waiting for someone to notice. When they did I started running away scared and it looked like the dinosaur was chasing me. It was great fun!

music is pure communication

As I usually do, I started playing piano, and it caused me to think alot about Beethoven, and how he correlated with me loosing my ability.. naturally, I always end up thinking about Job, and so I imagined a similar setting where it was decided that the Holy Ghost would have to come to earth after Jesus left to provide comfort and communicate things... but as I considered my mother being unable to use the sense of smell I imagined it being decided that it was not fair for me to have such a sense, let alone that would mean the Holy Ghost, thus God, would groom who I became in body, because our thoughts and feelings make up so much of us. Anyhow, my number one talent was thT frequency of communication, so like Beethoven loosing his ability to hear would not abandon music, though I would not be thus influenced, but choose on my own to do the very same things that I would be told anyhow, which is alot like Job still praising God, which was the thing it was hoped that he would not do, because he only did it because he was blessed. So, one thought led to another and I concluded that although I could not do the physical act of performing music as I did previously, I would still choose music to communicate because there is far more being communicated than just the technical prowess... it makes me think of Wagner's idea of Gesamkunstwerk. That takes the composition beyond opera or movie, that added to visual sense to the auditory, but have a creation that is entirely subversive, like a theater in 3D with Rumble seats, and scents, like the ride "Soarin'" at Disney theme park, I was sure I was getting choked up by the dust that the Elephants shot out of their trunks. And I could sort of smell changes of the Earth as we flew over it, or feel the warmth of the sparks from the fireworks as we flew over Disney at the end. 

Anyway, I always have this inner dialogue with myself when I play "Moonlight Sonata" that somehow Beethoven must have known what I needed and he wrote it specifically for me... ah hah! Today I connected the dots as I rembered a blanket Ben Wilkinson had that said something like Beethoven was the heart of God. Then I thought. Well, duh, people all consent to this idea of "muses". It is alot like the way Beserkers get worked up before a battle by being inspired by something... artists claim to need to be inspired by something to compose good music [why do ye call me GOOD. There is none who is GOOD but father in Heaven] This spirit is called Odin by berserker and providence or muse by artists, same thing.

So. I am not crazy to think that sonata was written for me. Further, my dad used to 

say that music performance will never be replaced by recording or robots because there is more to it than the notes. Likewise, Amy Cropped recently mentioned that sire technical prowess is nice (especially in the pursuit of perfection) but, even if someone masterfully performs the outward feats, if they do not mean it, then the performance will not be successful.

There IS more to music than we hear. Music communicates beyond the lyrics it might use occasionally. It is that part of music that makes people close their eyes (like squinting to see something better).