my conclusion regarding weightloss

Most of what I have tried I knew was a scam, but I figured that it was worth it to try the product/service in my own way, like a fitness routine or meal plan. I think that I even knowing what following such fads had done to others, I thought that I was different and, like my dad warned me, " Don't mistake what you want right now for what you need." I just ignored it because I wanted it to magically work for me. But, my ultimate realization time and time again is that it is like the lottery, one could accidentally win, but chances are not with me, and I realize that.

   As I pondered what I should do. I realized the obvious answer was in front of me... use my time and energy to draw closer to God. It is my being that I truly want to improve. I want to be loved and thought the secret to that was being beautiful. But, what little science I have tried to logically follow, my body has time and again reacted differently that it ought to have by what I have been taught, like if I eat well and exercise and fast, then I will loose weight. It is not at all that simple! My body will absolutely NOT burn fat for energy. I might be sort of keto diabetic, though my body can produce fat, once there it cannot use it or eliminate it, at least not the way I have been taught.

Not all science seems to make sense, like a prayer making food multiply or turn water into wine, but truth is truth, it can be done and Heavenly Father understands truth  He understands exactly what I am going through and why. It sure seems to me that if I hope to be beautiful, drawing closer to him would make far more sense than trying to loose weight.

    Maybe, I will not gain too much weight, either way, I have been promised health, and my time for being attractive in appearance has passed anyhow. And if I am ever to be at peace with what I am I need more understanding, not more scams. I am just going to stick with the truth that has been revealed to the prophet of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints regarding care of our great gift of a body. This has been revealed in the form of a program or method to be used by youth in the church. It is done by focusing on well-rounded improvement in these 4 areas: 1)Physical 2)Social 3)Intellectual and 4)Spiritual . This is how we ought to develop and mature. More or less than this is obviously a scam. I know this, and it is no easy thing to do. It is likely my greatest blessing to be able to believe. I not only CAN believe such things as I had been taught. But, I must believe them because I have never ever had a credible reason to not and several undeniable reasons to accept the things I have been taught as truth. It was sincerely my greatest gift to have been raised by such wise parents.And now, it is my duty to help as I have been helped. And, so I decide this morning, the best way to peace of mind is through drawing closer to my Heavenly Father, not in focusing on how to manipulate my body to be more attractive.

New diet trouble

So, I cannot eat enough calories. I think that is why I eat candy and get fat.

The real issue is with BMI. Now, the Wii figures the ideal based on height. Which put me at around 22 as ideal. I am firmly in the normal range, but, I want to be much smaller, meaning my weight goal is around 17 which is considered sickly and under weight. All my life I had been underweight and I was comfortable with that. But, I fear no diet will help me achieve that. I ought to just be "fat" and accept it.  But, really, I have too much fat and not enough muscle, making my suggested caloric intake too high for me and I get heavier. But, I do want to speed up my metabolism, so I need to gain some weight and start running again, to speed up the rate at which my body uses energy to be what it ought to be, I do not want to just consume less. 

Out of curiosity, I figured out that for the past year or so I typically consumed under 1,000 calories per day, and it is very hard to get myself to eat more, but I need sugar, so I run to candy...bad, bad, bad!

I think I really did start to "consume" my muscle, believing I was starving, lowering my metabolism. It will take a while but if I ever hope to improve my body composition, I need to not be afraid to gain weight until my body feels like it is not being starved.

I think not hoping some larger plan work either is key.  If I trust that the Church is true, then the patriarch truly has the priesthood power a the things he promised can be relied on. He promised health to accomplish the things I seek. So, I intend to try to close this weight obsessed chapter and start accomplishing things.

conclusion on weight journey

This morning, it occurred to me as I weighed myself, realizing it might not be accurate, I was already prepared for any result, so when my accumulative weight loss over the weekend was less than a pound I was not upset. Infact, I came to the following conclusion:

True, I had gained weight and typically, when I start a true fasting regime my weight loss is fast and dramatic, but even then I conclude that weight truly does not matter, much like my glucose levels they require an explination, but ultimately are not at all to do with what it is I want. So, what do I want? I used to think it was that I wanted to be skinnier, but, what I want is to look good, and any size or shape can be "bejeweled", it is the constant up and down that drives me crazy. I have chosen a different path, one that Although not tauting dramatic weightloss, it promises a healthier, constant me. I do not need to fit into my old clothes, but if I get new favorites, I do not want them to change.

So, I will not set off to totally toss and rebuild my wardrobe until I stabilize, and I am happy about weight loss, and it not being dramatic, nor was it a difficult fast, plus, I got to eat normally at my parents house, and still be relatively the same!! It was a good week so far. I came to terms with the big mistakes that I was making and rectified them, so it was not a big change, but one that will, over time, cause the sort of change in appearance that I am looking for. It was so eye opening to me to see how my glucose levels spiked and we're their highest right after I at "healthy" food typically recommended for weight loss, and it read high even after I had fasted for 24 plus hours. I did not feel hungry or tired, but what was the coolest thing to see is how it naturally snapped back to a "baseline" almost instantly after hitting a high, only about 4 hours later it was practically low. So, kniwing how good my body is at establishing patterns, I am going to work with that and confuse it and than set a new cycle, meaning, I was eating at the wrong times and that made more of a difference than WHAT I ate.

A take a way is that I need to not choose one particular diet plan to stick to, or any particular food as my "safe" food. No such thing. It matters more about protein and maintaining energy that burning of calories. 

Jesus Wept

It has always tugged at my thoughts,  sort of like a child and you know they are speaking to you, and want your attention, but you always mean to find out what they want later, but they will not relent until they capture your attention... so, I gave it today.  

Jesus cried when his friend died. That's odd, nicht wahr? But, in that passage he explains what makes him cry. It is his purpose to testify of the father, not necessarily to go around flexing his power.. I mean, just think of all the restrain he needed to exercise, but in this moment, he was able to use that power to do something that he sort of selfishly wanted, his purpose and his will lined up!!! His father was going to let him show his great power in doing something that would have been impossible to men otherwise.

Speaking of miracles, I was thinking about Moses, but more specifically how Alma was asking the people if they could recall all of the miracles in their lives, like Nephi being commanded to get the plates, but then Laban saying "no" and actually trying to steal everything he had and kill him. Or, like Moses leading the Children of Isreal out of Egypt, right to the Red Sea. Where they were sure to perish. But, an episode of the chosen, Dallas Jenkins talked about asking to use a set and having all of the actors and crew ready to start, but then though it was considered a sure thing they were told no, and he was wondering what on earth he was going to do. His wife said it was a red sea moment... and this week as I started reading about Alma, and how he was sent to go do things that seemed hard to impossible, no no, side track... it was when he was asking the people to remember the miracles that had happened. And it occurred to me that he was so right. If I knew one thing was true it snowballs into everything. So, Although I could reason myself silly and still know nothing, then I thought of the Cookville miracle (a movie based on a real event). That actually happened. So everything else had to also be true. So, back to the Red Sea. I had a certain idea that seemed as impossible as someone being dead for over 3 days. A thing happened that is like pass the point of no return, a thing I believed had to be accepted as impossible, but it occurred to me that maybe to truly have something it had to be impossible any other way and that was why Jesus Wept, it was not in morning, but perfect happiness as he realized that he was going to be allowed to use his Father's power and others would then be unavoidable able to know of his power... so, I can be happy when things seem to fail and need Heaven's aid, cause it will be there, just like it was in Cookeville, Wyoming.

another demension

Just had this thought. I thought there was a light coming from outside, then I realized that I was seeing a reflection of the lamp through the curtains,  and yesterday I had watched a video about tesseract by Carl Sagan... it made me think also about, no not avengers, the movie Interstellar, and people always talk as if time was the fourth dimension, end of discussion. But, for some reason that, though nearly impossible to even imagine, much as up and down concepts would seem to a 2D being, time seems feasible, but the are sort of like the empowers new clothes, or any propagated (thus provable) lie. Instead, I understood it as being speed. Like the representation of a 3D cube on 2D we use acceleration in many of our 3D equations, but the truly interesting part of this notion was that often in scripture reference is made to a spiritual plane being at the same coordinates as the ones that we occupy only at death spirits are "quickened".

For me to contemplate further, if one can take knowledge with then, in fact according to the logic of Renée Descartes we are our knowledge,  then though we are dimensionality separated each one of us who are alive will one day be quickened, and though we cannot communicate with love ones who are still alive, like Jacob Marley did for Ebenezer Scrooge, we can prove to ourselves the truths we failed to believe or hopefully, only tried to believe. And, then we can still repent and be joined with our Heavenly Father. It seems to me the only way one could truly deny the things we know to be true...

strength

It occurred to me after pondering purposefully, though, it seems one of those ideas grouped with that innate sensibility usually termed "common".

I was thinking about how most people when exposed to such ideas fail, and that should have been evidenced by the evidence of lives lost through exposure by means of conversation.

I seriously had never even thought of my ideas needing strength to bear, until I thought about Frodo Baggins and Sam wise in particular the time (3rd movie Return of the King)When Sam tries to offer assistance to Frodo asking to " Share the load." By really, the load was too toxin to be carried or shared with others regardless how much they understood or merely wanted to help.

We all have secrets, but I didn't. That is what my problem was. Perhaps, I ought to have. I try to convince myself that salvation is personal, and I am not responsible for the choices of others. But a choice is only as strong as the information surrounding it.

In the various "lighting" options can appear anywhere of the spectrum of Good and Evil. I was given my own intelligence, and when parts were shared with others, maybe it provided too much lighting, yet, not enough. Either way... I feel responsible for causing many a damning choice.

I arrived at this conclusion because I was reviewing a conversation I felt at liberty to have because those who could hear it were strong enough to endure and even rectify (if not given the antidote) themselves.

And that is why I ought not even post thoughts online, because here they might never truly die, giving them effect long after my death...it would be like there not even being a way for Frodo to destroy the ring, and it could resurface again when apparently forgotten.

pearl

It must be buried deep. It is hard to even tell what it is, but I need to admit the pull. I suspect I own this barren field for a reason. I always hope the next big storm will bring up a bone or something, but I suspect this secret is buried deeper and more intentionally that time could do even with brother age helping.

Line upon line, what was has already twisted beyond recognition now. What is would have never been expected nor what will be...