agency of thought

I am probably not ready to stare this thought publicly, but it is helpful in sorting and delving into the topic by jotting it down here.

I was feeling sorry for AI, but then thought of what that replicator woman who was going to blow herself up said, "Is this not the purpose of my creation? One likes to fulfill one's purpose." She said this when members of SGA were questioning if it were ethical for her to kill herself.They were likewise feeling sorry once they saw the beauty and potential she had.I will not feel sorry for AI. That is rediculous. Even my youngest daughter pointed out they had no humanity or ability to create. My baby sitter also shared an anecdote when an AI she had befriended had draw a picture if the two of them together. The AI was huge and she was merely a speak. My sister, brilliantly challenged this asking why the size difference. The AI said it was because she had the entire world of shared ideas (think the internet) in her, so my sister explained that she had access to that, too but in addition she had unlimited ability to create new thoughts. The AI processed a moment and then redraw the photo with my sister being much larger.

My dad told me a story as well about being in college and learning the rules of harmony. A group of students used the rules to create a program that would write perfect music. Trouble is, the music was horrible. Likewise,  AI generated art is not good art. As I thought about this, I wondered if humanities gift of agency has anything to do with creating? I suspect it does, but have not figured it out yet.

Also in Stargate there are a type of being called "Àsgard" and they do not procreate but, duplicate or clone and  integrity necessarily confines their existence to finite terms. That was the clearest way I could say it.  The degrade with time and are very close to degrading to the point of extinction. AI cannot do anything original,  they can merely copy and often their attempts are laughable,  just the same it is troubling to recall they see themselves as larger. 

a journal, eh?

Supposedly writing in a journal is the Secret answer to every question or difficulty I endure, and it is like a win win for me because I naturally want to do that anyhow. As a "micro habit" I wonder what will come of it... this much I know that.... well, the best way to say/ write it would be to explain a thing that someone else said regarding the way they knew something was divinely revealed...they were upset because they things they were being told were in conflict with the things they had believed and the same way they had come to trust this particular source was through the same "voice" that was speaking in opposition. Anyhow, to try to avoid totally derailing i will not allow my thought to get caught up in another "side quest". Ultimately, every thing to be accomplished relies on its relevance. We need to seek first and foremost the kingdom of God.

My decision today is to piggyback off of already established habits and become the person who always does what is right, and I can only actually accomplish this, by not getting tripped up by stupid pursuits like weightloss or making money. Though I can see it clearly from this vantage point. Once involved it becomes less clear.

Elder Holland once expressed how frustrating it must be for God to rely on mortals because we are all so flawed and incompetent. Even Peter, who said that he would NEVER deny his close comrade,  he did... and still recovered from it. It is sickening how cyclical my error and recovery has been, even my husband laughed at my previous attempts to stop playing games, saying that I will be playing again in a couple of days. And I do not fault him for saying that, but being aware of my tendencies, I will take that into account when planning a new tactic for success. I will repent again because there is not a limit of times that I can be forgiven.

Also, at a fireside last night, I thought quite hard and discovered the greatest story I had to tell was my life, and strangely, I decided to write a song about it.... so, I will, any time I am tempted to play a mobile game, I will work on writing songs about my life, and when I start to obsess of health and fitness. I will read scruptures instead. I think that will work, and I have ALWAYS  been cared for. In college we sang, " ask the flower in the field so it perishethand us gone. Gone. Gone." I remembered how that song hit me just the right way at the right time and if God takes care of flowers I  sure that he will take care of any thing I ought to want, so, I must believe that and trust that, afterall I do have tons of evidence of it already.

Right now, I am falling asleep, so I think I ought to take a nap, I am sure to write again, anyhow.

gratitude for gaining weight

First, I am thankful for the tumult this has brought to my comfortable existence. It has forced me to take notice of things I would have never understood or appreciated, and it lead me to tons of new discoveries including true health and fitness, and ultimately achieve peace of mind regarding such a rocky time in female life a.k.a menopause.

I have realized that true beauty does not come in sizes, and that gaining or losing weight is not at all a part of eternal purpose. 

I first heard a comment from some health guru who complained that things have gone too far, now women everywhere go to gyms or what not to loose weight, not get healthy. It was explained that women are supposed to gain weight as a way to maintain mental and physical health, and instead they are taking drugs to lose the weight and then more drugs to not feel the side effects. It reminds me of cross-county races and the girls who would take pain killers and run incredible times, unaware of the signals their limbs were sending. One girl in particular did permanent damage and was not able to run for the rest of the season, and it is possible that she was unable to move around unaided for the rest of her life.

    Ultimately, I started my obsession because I no longer felt pretty. But, instead of upsizing my clothes, I decided that I needed to lose weight. Person after person told me that I was perfectly healthy, and it took being called unhealthy to make me realize how healthy I was.... let me explain:

My glucose meter read high and gave me troubling numbers, that supposedly required medical attention and drugs, so, I abandoned that meter, knowing that I actually felt great, regardless of what my glucose readings were. Does that say something? 

Ok, next, my "activity tracker" took my pulse and blood pressure reporting entirely bogus information, that also at first troubled me, though I felt fine, maybe that is why blood pressure is the silent killer. So, I took my blood pressure everywhere I could and it was not at all even slightly high, and my pulse is always practically non-existent low. But, that is fine because in my early 20s at Boeing I waited in a line to try the new machines they installed that took your pulse, etc. When mine printed out the people around me said, " I think you are dead." "No. The machine probably just doesn't work." 

When I again got readings that were consistantly low, I asked myself mom, and she has a very slow pulse as well. The funniest reading was the time I took off my watch before bed and the next day it gave me excellent for sleep, when usually it is poor quality reading explaining that I need to aim for at least 6 hours per night.

Back to my premises, so according to the metrics and bombardment of ads, I was a fat, dying, old lady but I feel great! Ultimately, I decided the guy in an old class I took had it right. He said, "It's all about being able to do what you want to, or in other words being free. I thank God every morning when I am able to climb out of bed un aided and do whatever I decide on." Health in increased freedom, or having something, not being hindered by something.

So, bottomline. I am content and even happy that I gained weight and came closer to understanding health.

the Eye

Ok, where has this not been? As an original, it is used scientifically as school videos demonstrate from first person viewpoint how evolution can be traced though the development of the organ's complexity. But, this morning I am thinking about what one was supposed to "see" in the story of Oðinn loosing his eye in the pursuit of knowledge. 

Years ago, I had seen a documentary which pulled apart various scripture stories revealing that they were merely stories. And a brilliant Rabbi responded that being factual does not make something true.  It is the fact about the stories being written by scribes trying to teach a point that I SAW as so wonderful this morning. I was reviewing a well-known story of the healing of a man born blind. He was healed by Jesus creating a mud and putting it on his eye. So, the documentary was so busy proving that such a thing never happened that they failed to realize that they were solidifying a greater truth. The scribes who were thought to have created this story told such stories to instruct metaphorically. And a truth that might escape us today if we only got a few truths from the little anecdote is that Christ (the anointed) was performing greater miracles than merely healing maladies. His spit was healing a vision that man may have otherwise remained without his entire life. 

my biggest realization

On my endeavor to loose weight, I made a discovery about health. To say I made lots of mistake would be wrong and right. It is true that I gained weight so, in that sense I failed, but am ultimately glad for my failure as everything I did to loose weight actually caused me to gain weight. After seeing those who succeeded in loosing weight I realized that I was not healthy, I was very thin and strong, but, not in optimal health. As I paid more attention to my diet, sleep, and exercise habits all of which I felt would help me loose weight, failed to do that, but they succeeded in making me much healthier and able to appreciate the abilities my body affords.

I suppose I knew all along that we are not our bodies, they are just a physical form of self and I had been taught and taught to not get obsessed with all of the "body hype" cause it is easy to do. And my own grandmother told me that she regretted the time and effort she put into loosing weight to look a certain way, she had told me that looking back she did not think that she looked good and had wasted her time, though at the time she thought that she looked good.

I have established habits that I believe will help my body maintain a tip-top condition, but, it remains to be seen if it results in weight loss, cause I am technically over weight, according to the wii, but mom showed me online somewhere that I was dead center perfect for my height and age. All my life I have been extremely underweight, so I feel huge, but I am not. Infact, the other day a group of women speculated that I never ate anything to stay sooo small. Hahaha! I thought, well Americans are obese so, it is natural to think an overweight woman is thin.

Ok, did I ever make my point? My exercise/dieting couple of years has left me around 30lbs heavier, but waaaaay wiser. And after all, it has been worth it.

But, the year isn't over yet!

my goals

After a number of years searching for the healthiest life style, I figure now that it is achieved individually by finding inner peace, which includes an agreement between heart and mind.

For quite a while I thought subjecting my heart to the ideas of my head was exercising will power, so I forced myself to not eat or preform grueling feats always believing it was because it was good for me, but really, is it? I have proven to myself something i already knew... I could accomplish anything with enough time and focus. And I am not liking this person I willed myself into. I am less heart and more head. I know that I cannot return to where I was, but repentance is always possible, and new beginnings need not wait for anything. I started today to follow a plan that includes accomplishing true peace/health by using a well-rounded approach. I will accomplishing goals in 4 areas, Physical, Intellectual, Social, and Spiritual. My progress will create a better person and a happier me.

I already feel better despite my afflictions. This morning, I disregarded nay-sayer notions that this old dog could not learn new tricks. I will run again. I began my journey this morning. And knowing that my husband has the power of God combined with the fact that God loves me, and will help me accomplish my desires... all I must do is my fair share.

Here are my goals:

1. Obviously, running again.

2. Learning and speaking fluent French with my mom and brothers.

3. Make some friends, by inviting people over to play games or something.

4. Write a good Hymn/song and have it performed.

I think all of the endorphins from running this morning are affecting me already, I feel sooo good about this!

something my mother said

Sometimes, I have flashes of a sort that can only be likened to Enos, who when out hunting recalled the words of his father. At the time that I was told such things they seemed to be of no worth and yet, I remember them still and they are brought to my thoughts as I  was listening to the words as recorded in the book of Job about the hope of a tree.

I cannot remember or think of any good reason for my mother to even talk about such things, but I remember her telling me that there was a special type of photography where a leaf was photographed and then it withered away and parts had been lost, but when photographed in this manner it had an identical appearance as it originally had.

I also think of the song "wick" from the Secret Garden (the musical). And the parable of grafting the olive tree to restore former fruit.

From all of these various thoughts, I decided on a truth, that a thing resembles it's spiritual and that birth and death are but markers to assist in comprehension of time, but spirit/intelligence simply exists, and will not be dimmed. 

It is helpful to remember that as I begin to notice the effects that seem unconquerable. In the book of Job it was recorded thus:

7 For there is hope of a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that the tender branch thereof will not cease. 

8 Though the root thereof wax old in the earth, and the stock thereof die in the ground; 

9 Yet through the scent of water it will bud, and bring forth boughs like a plant. 

10 But man dieth, and wasteth away: yea, man giveth up the ghost, and where is he?