weekly recurring thoughts

Why am I not promised to be sealed to one I love and cherish. Maybe, because it is cyclical. Of someone loves you for eternity you will love them back. I remember a similar phenomenon with my best friend LeAnne. I thought that life would be so much better without her, so I moved out and got my own everything...whew that was great. I was right. I didn't need her friendship, but as I had everything else I wanted previously, I found all I wanted was her friendship. It actually reminded me of Eliza Dolittle, the Doctor found that though life would seem better without her, he had grown accustomed to her as he puts it. I was impressionable. That was how love worked. I digress... so, I realized that though I did not need LeAnne, I really had taken all she did for granted,  I wrote a song about it: https://youtu.be/E2BcV42Ysb4?si=ufudBizWbGi7wVlO

Anyhow, so forever is a very longtime, and the thought I run with is that change is time, so with unlimited time, things like out loyalty and affection can be molded into anything necessary.  So, what is necessary? The covenant path. Obviously. At a youth conference, I didn't get "sealed" to anyone cause I didn't want to. Um, there is a Christian teaching about submitting your will to the father even if it isn't what you want. At the Youth Conference. I followed that notion and picked a random guy, who happened to be Penny Craven's boyfriend and got him to "Marry" me explaining the necessity of it. He agreed. But, then later after we were in the Celestial Kingdom, we went to go have a testimony meeting and my "husband" left me to go sit with his girlfriend. So, that suggests it is better to be loved than to love, or does it? If I had been in love and wanted to be with someone, I certainly would have behaved differently, whereas my argument had been that it was a formality. And frankly, that is how I feel about it right now. I definitely lack wisdom!! Without disclosing details, I had prayed in the past asking a question that was answered undeniably, svo eg veit hann er þar, og.... sorry, was singing a song in Icelandic and I also know that He will hear and answer me.

My additional thought is more a memory of a thing I had been taught that is applicable. I lived for a while with Sister Reinbold and she used to stress about. She asked me which man she would be with because she had been married three times. I was young and impressionable, so I remember it. Then in a class I was taught that nothing is forced in the Celestial kingdom. You will be with whomever you want to be with who is worthy. 

I think I already have all that I need to know, I am being petty in seeking to be compelled, like my husband on Saturday. He claimed his car needed to be repaired, but was doing nothing about it. He just sat at his computer playing games, until I asked him if he was just waiting for it to somehow be fixed.

Eureka!

I remember an episode from the show Eureka wait, as I think of it, it was once again from Stargate Atlantis, when Rodney McKay mentions how great scientific discoveries came in the tub/shower and it was a result of clarity that comes from good circulation. I was in the bath because it was so cold, I feared my glucose was not reading properly... one thought lead to another until Boom! I realized it was not a fat or a hormone problem even, but a circulation issue. 

My body is extremely wise and constantly tweaking it's functions to improve my health, and as such I had falsely assumed that my weightloss, for example, had been due to my extreme amount of exercise. It is not, rather in spite of it.

 Truly, I care not about my weight. I care so very much, likely too much, about my fat amount. I want to be lighter and smaller it's true, and that is objectively measured through weight, but ultimately it is a matter of opinion.

Yesterday,  I listen alot and concluded that I needed to exercise less, Dr. Bikman reviewed the reasons we ought to expect success, like improved strength or stamina.  I decided to dedicate myself instead to being sure my glucose was always in the "healthy" or "normal" range, so, to mu surprise when I found it to be at an all time low, I broke my fast and ate, but even after eating it was still too low. So, my insulin had a nice break, but it is time to work again, and it truly does work extremely well, it is that nutrients and hormones are not circulating well that deserves my attention. I have Manu other signs that denote circulation troubles, and frankly, I have always been cold, so I will endure the hot flushes, and use the rebirth of being to be healthier instead of lamenting what is unobtainable, in other words: perfect.

it is working for me

I have tried so many "tools" so I am uncertain what is causing it, but this morning, but idea is that it is the seemingly pointless morning exercise that seemed to do nothing, but I kept on. I thought, it just takes my body a tad longer to make any change, like fasting didn't work at first last time either, and I finally came to terms with why my blood spikes with exercise. My son pointed out that at rest a body doesn't need energy, but when it is active it must be at the ready, he further noted that that was my blood glucose, not my ATP that I was measuring, and it is systemic, not a local measurement, so I ought not jump to any great conclusions on such evidence.

I have noticed trends, and gained a greater appreciation for my body, though. It is amazing! I have noticed that I feel better when my blood glucose is what I considered high before, around 80 to 100. And fasting it tends to drop too low, which I liked, (50 to 70) and I feel sick and get headaches.

This week, as I was researching glycolysis I realized that my instant weight loss due to water was not necessarily a good thing. It seemed my cells need both Oxygen and hydrogen for them to do their thing and so water is needed. All along I had seem water as my enemy, and even the fact that it just makes me pee alot, reminds me how smart my body is.  It will not retain what it doesn't need, and flushing out the system is good!

I also have been taking "morning kick" to be sure my body has all of the needed materials like vitamins, minerals, collagen, etc. Without a huge change to my established routine ( which is slowly working... I have lost about 10 lbs in 2 weeks..it seems drastic, but I first started by gaining 5 of those).

Also, I am up to a desirable IF of 20 / 4 which I like, and only vary to confuse my body by using a glucose meter to determine what I should eat and for a week, I stay within 80 and 100 without fasting at all and still lost weight. Every person is different, but I found what works for me, but I add that I am not certain which tools are essential, and which merely seem to be working.

A whole lot of weightloss happens because people were trying so many things,then when it happens it could be residual of a thing long abandoned, they think it was a result of the immediate gimmick,  so I need to be cautious in determining what worked.

glucose meter

I have decided to use a glucose meter to decide what I can eat, or if I want to eat how much exercise I must do. But, my results have been extremely odd.

I was 70. I had Chicken noodle soup so I was 77, then, I did my nighttime exercise so I could have a snack. But after I exercised I was 85. Huh? Must not be waiting long enough to check. I recall with Kinsey, I had to wait a while before adjusting insulin because I did not want to be zigzagging giving her highs and lows as I tried to figure it out. But, the strangest thing was the dawning effect. I woke up and took my glucose to kniw where I started today, and it was 91, so I exercised and took it again, expecting it to drop, but it was 103. I didn't care my goal was to stay below 120. So, I ate a breakfast sandwich and checked to see how much of an effect it had and it read at 81. Right now, I am waiting for a drop to have time to register after I did HITT on my bike and I am cooling down so I can safely eat dinner. My son looked up and said that I am well within the normal range for my age height and the kids ganged up on me and wanted me to stop dieting altogether.  I am pleased that they even care, cause I just quit my exercise because my body will freak out about needing to have reserves incase I need it, so I need to be sneaky and only do strength training and normal day to day activities, and just,be grateful I can. Ok, time wasted, time to test myself and set the table. Also, I have discovered knooking and I love it!!

my conclusion regarding weightloss

Most of what I have tried I knew was a scam, but I figured that it was worth it to try the product/service in my own way, like a fitness routine or meal plan. I think that I even knowing what following such fads had done to others, I thought that I was different and, like my dad warned me, " Don't mistake what you want right now for what you need." I just ignored it because I wanted it to magically work for me. But, my ultimate realization time and time again is that it is like the lottery, one could accidentally win, but chances are not with me, and I realize that.

   As I pondered what I should do. I realized the obvious answer was in front of me... use my time and energy to draw closer to God. It is my being that I truly want to improve. I want to be loved and thought the secret to that was being beautiful. But, what little science I have tried to logically follow, my body has time and again reacted differently that it ought to have by what I have been taught, like if I eat well and exercise and fast, then I will loose weight. It is not at all that simple! My body will absolutely NOT burn fat for energy. I might be sort of keto diabetic, though my body can produce fat, once there it cannot use it or eliminate it, at least not the way I have been taught.

Not all science seems to make sense, like a prayer making food multiply or turn water into wine, but truth is truth, it can be done and Heavenly Father understands truth  He understands exactly what I am going through and why. It sure seems to me that if I hope to be beautiful, drawing closer to him would make far more sense than trying to loose weight.

    Maybe, I will not gain too much weight, either way, I have been promised health, and my time for being attractive in appearance has passed anyhow. And if I am ever to be at peace with what I am I need more understanding, not more scams. I am just going to stick with the truth that has been revealed to the prophet of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints regarding care of our great gift of a body. This has been revealed in the form of a program or method to be used by youth in the church. It is done by focusing on well-rounded improvement in these 4 areas: 1)Physical 2)Social 3)Intellectual and 4)Spiritual . This is how we ought to develop and mature. More or less than this is obviously a scam. I know this, and it is no easy thing to do. It is likely my greatest blessing to be able to believe. I not only CAN believe such things as I had been taught. But, I must believe them because I have never ever had a credible reason to not and several undeniable reasons to accept the things I have been taught as truth. It was sincerely my greatest gift to have been raised by such wise parents.And now, it is my duty to help as I have been helped. And, so I decide this morning, the best way to peace of mind is through drawing closer to my Heavenly Father, not in focusing on how to manipulate my body to be more attractive.

New diet trouble

So, I cannot eat enough calories. I think that is why I eat candy and get fat.

The real issue is with BMI. Now, the Wii figures the ideal based on height. Which put me at around 22 as ideal. I am firmly in the normal range, but, I want to be much smaller, meaning my weight goal is around 17 which is considered sickly and under weight. All my life I had been underweight and I was comfortable with that. But, I fear no diet will help me achieve that. I ought to just be "fat" and accept it.  But, really, I have too much fat and not enough muscle, making my suggested caloric intake too high for me and I get heavier. But, I do want to speed up my metabolism, so I need to gain some weight and start running again, to speed up the rate at which my body uses energy to be what it ought to be, I do not want to just consume less. 

Out of curiosity, I figured out that for the past year or so I typically consumed under 1,000 calories per day, and it is very hard to get myself to eat more, but I need sugar, so I run to candy...bad, bad, bad!

I think I really did start to "consume" my muscle, believing I was starving, lowering my metabolism. It will take a while but if I ever hope to improve my body composition, I need to not be afraid to gain weight until my body feels like it is not being starved.

I think not hoping some larger plan work either is key.  If I trust that the Church is true, then the patriarch truly has the priesthood power a the things he promised can be relied on. He promised health to accomplish the things I seek. So, I intend to try to close this weight obsessed chapter and start accomplishing things.

conclusion on weight journey

This morning, it occurred to me as I weighed myself, realizing it might not be accurate, I was already prepared for any result, so when my accumulative weight loss over the weekend was less than a pound I was not upset. Infact, I came to the following conclusion:

True, I had gained weight and typically, when I start a true fasting regime my weight loss is fast and dramatic, but even then I conclude that weight truly does not matter, much like my glucose levels they require an explination, but ultimately are not at all to do with what it is I want. So, what do I want? I used to think it was that I wanted to be skinnier, but, what I want is to look good, and any size or shape can be "bejeweled", it is the constant up and down that drives me crazy. I have chosen a different path, one that Although not tauting dramatic weightloss, it promises a healthier, constant me. I do not need to fit into my old clothes, but if I get new favorites, I do not want them to change.

So, I will not set off to totally toss and rebuild my wardrobe until I stabilize, and I am happy about weight loss, and it not being dramatic, nor was it a difficult fast, plus, I got to eat normally at my parents house, and still be relatively the same!! It was a good week so far. I came to terms with the big mistakes that I was making and rectified them, so it was not a big change, but one that will, over time, cause the sort of change in appearance that I am looking for. It was so eye opening to me to see how my glucose levels spiked and we're their highest right after I at "healthy" food typically recommended for weight loss, and it read high even after I had fasted for 24 plus hours. I did not feel hungry or tired, but what was the coolest thing to see is how it naturally snapped back to a "baseline" almost instantly after hitting a high, only about 4 hours later it was practically low. So, kniwing how good my body is at establishing patterns, I am going to work with that and confuse it and than set a new cycle, meaning, I was eating at the wrong times and that made more of a difference than WHAT I ate.

A take a way is that I need to not choose one particular diet plan to stick to, or any particular food as my "safe" food. No such thing. It matters more about protein and maintaining energy that burning of calories.