Weighty choices

A thought I do not wish to dwell on, but it is significant, and ought to find a record of such thoughts although, I have no idea what importance they may play at a later date.

At points that are most significant and ought to have been given as much seriousness and gravity as they deserve, I gave practically no thought what so ever.

I read in a pamphlet about hysterectomies that such a descision ought not be made hastily. It was regarding my body, but I practically had no concious thought even asked of me. It was a situation that I was not really even encouraged to be concious. It can be likened to the hospitalization and surgeries that were required to keep me alive, and then later I was sort of blamed for causing such debt. Really, it was not my choice to be alive at all anyway. If I was asked to consider and make a choice I likely would have not chosen to be kept alive. This is a similar situation as the one made to keep me alive, it meant that I would have no more children. I think I would choose to sacrifice a body part to stay alive, but I do not know and I do not plan on considering the choice fully at any point. Things just are as they are.

That is strangely the same situation with my marriage. I have always been taught that was the ab so lute most important thing a person does in this life, and that was why I backed out of so many engagements, and was quite old when I actually married a divorced man. It was because he seemed to understand the committment fully and even commented when directly asked if he knew that he was going to be stuck with me forever. He said that was his intent....but, then, he divorced me when I will disabled with 3 little children. Getting married was my instant solution to having a family. But, my little children did not like this new man. Uggh. And he did not even seem to want to marry me, it seemed more like I made him because that was why I was there anyway, at least, that seemed my motivation. Actually, I just wanted to start over completely instead of constantly trying to live up to the things expected of me before my brain infection.  I found myself in the fire, although I had jumped and escaped a fate I did not like in the kettle.

I was listening to articles about what marriage should be and I had never wven been proposed to or sealed, years later. It was always my intention, but I am starting to question if it is something I choose at all in the first place.