Time to act on information

I had been perfectly content to reason out why I ought to do what I want to do, but this morning, things,became more than I can deal with and it was composed in my heart forever and I can say that I know never changing what love is and why it is so necessary.

There simply are things that no matter how well we understand them we cannot act accordingly. The power to act comes from our hearts.

In things I have studied about our Brains, I learned that science was partially right, which causes more confusion than ignorance, it was believed that a person resided in their heart. The heart made up cognitive self and a heart transplant would change the identity of the body.

Now, we think it silly, but at the time, scholars found it most reasonable. The time has come in which I must act upon things that are not reasonable but true. I had to be backed into a figurative corner to do so.

I feel like a gentle animal who has all of the ability to be ferocious, but is as docile as can be until it has no other choice.

I am very sick and just need a bit of rest. I locked the girl's room so that Mary would stay in bed. I made sure everyone was cared for and taken care of. But, at 2:30 Mary showed up making demands, I had barely fallen asleep, which I had to despite Nick's terribly loud and obnoxious shooting game. Now, everyone is awake and screaming demands, and I simply cannot take it. Still, Nick is asleep quietly in his bed. If I did not believe fully in life after death and justice, or in other words, God. I would kill myself.

But, instead I hear the cries and think of how I will be held accountable for my stewardship as a mother. I know undeniably that though it makes little sense I simply must have love. It makes me care for the children when my reflex is to take care of myself. Regardless of what he professes, Nick is not good for anyone in this family. Infact, it is mostly, despite him, and he causes almost every difficulty while relieving none. He would rather just call me selfish than consider anything that would undeniably be needful for everyone else in this family.

I am making a definite plan, that will not be understood, but does not need to be, I am tired of trying my hardest to do things that bring immediate happiness and resolution but fade into this. If I cannot handle these trials without love, I can never expect to weather storms to come.

I don't do it right

I see others writing wonderful blog posts that help improve the quality of life for others and I sincerely want to help. I believe the most helpful person helps themself first, and that was,my intent, after I secured my oxygen mask I would help others, sort of thing, but I feel like the little snail climbing up the side of the well. I go up a scoot but then down and I am not sure of the amount of progress if any, it is like watching a baby grow it happens, but we never see it happening.

I have no doubt that the babies,need me more desperately then the older children, but I know that if I am,not a devoted part of their life I will regret it. It is difficult. I know Joe and Mary require me to stay alive, and the other children have a need beyond that.

Urrrgh! I do believe that if there is an answer then God would have it,and he really will give as need arises. I need help. I want to do the best thing, but do not KNOW completely what that is.

(Note:another note written in Feb. 2013 and published now)